A penguin's guide to Bay Area wildlife, Part II

Today we are going to talk about yet another form of Bay Area wildlife. This one is deceptively pleasant looking, and while harmless to most people, is absolutely deadly to its chosen prey. Consider it the Hello Kitty assault rifle of Bay Area wildlife.

That last should be seen as a Clue(tm). For the wildlife I am talking about is... the Chunky Japanese Manga Girl.

Identifying characteristics: Japanese features. Short straight black hair in a "pixie" cut with black spikes at the front and sides. Proportions of a pre-adolescent girl if blown up to twice the size (including twice the diameter of all limbs), but with large breasts. "Cute" boots that come to mid-calf to accentuate her large and solid calves. Mini-skirt that cuts off high to show off her large and solid thighs, perhaps as part of a jumper/"school girl" uniform combined with a white short-sleeve shirt. These aren't defining characteristics however, the Chunky Japanese Manga Girl has developed a wide range of colorations to lure in its prey, from "big socks" to mini-skirt'ed sailor suits. If all else fails, the Chunky Japanese Manga Girl is often accessorised with Hello Kitty or Sailor Moon accessories that can be used to identify this species.

Habitat: Manga and anime conventions, upscale downtown shopping areas near comics stores, attached to its prey in tourist areas of San Francisco or upscale shopping areas.

Danger to observer: Utterly harmless to most observers. Completely deadly to its chosen prey, the gaijan otaku -- the white American aficionado of Japanese anime and manga. Infatuation is swiftly followed by a long courtship which extracts all resources of the otaku while completely cutting off the otaku from his family and friends. The otaku is sucked in to the Chunky Japanese Manga Girl's orbit and can be observed clinging to her and catering to her every whim and buying her everything she ever wanted. At the end of this courtship the dried-up husk of the otaku, drained of all life and money, is discarded like an old banana peel, and a new otaku is located to repeat the process.

Mating habits: she mates only with white American otaku. If you have no idea what Hello Kitty or Sailor Moon are or the difference between manga and anime, she has no interest at all in you and will move to find new prey. Reproduction of this species is rumored but has never been observed in the wild, it is presumed that, prior to discarding her otaku, she allows sexual activity one and only one time and then if it results in pregnancy further extracts child support payments from the dried-up husk of her otaku to further the raising of a new Chunky Japanese Manga Girl offspring.

Suggestions for observer: If you have no interest in Japanese anime or manga, feel free to observe this species in complete safety. Do not approach too closely if she has her prey attached to her, however, for her otaku may misinterpret your approach as a clumsy pass and attack you. If you are a fan of Japanese anime or manga, on the other hand, exercise extreme caution and treat this species much the same way you'd treat a shark while swimming -- i.e., as something to get away from ASAP. The horror, oh the horror!

-- Badtux the Naturalist Penguin