Monday, October 22, 2007

Bubba tries out for World Net Daily

Howdy, Bubba the Suthern Penguin here, bloggin' from Cooterville Tennessee courtesy of my cousin Badtux. Now, everbody knows about Chuck Norris. He is really kick-ass, y'know? I heard from the boys down at the garage that ole' Chuck was writing a column for World Net Daily, and figgered, hey look, I'm pretty kick-ass, well, sorta, except when Noreen kicks me out of the house, so why shouldn't I try my hand at writing for World Net Daily?

Well, so I go ask Noreen about World Net Daily, and she says it's run by some Lesbian Christian dude. Now, I never knew there was Lesbian Christians, much less Lesbian dudes, but she says that he got run out of Lesbianon by the rag-heads, and that the Jews helped him get out of Lesbianon so that's why he likes publishing stuff about, like, how Israel is the greatest and stuff. So I figger, well, lemme write a sample column for World Net Daily. But what do I write about? Lesbians? I dunno nothin' bout no lesbians, except maybe the two girls who clean the town swimming pool and, like, have these really short haircuts and stuff who maybe lesbian but I'm not quite sure because, like, they haven't actually kissed in front of me or nothin'. So I read Chuck's latest column and see where he's endorsing a Baptist preacher man for President. Humph! BORE-ing! What's he gonna do when he meets up with them funny-talkin' furriner types, call'em down the church aisle to, like, be saved? Yeah right, I can see one of them fellers with the rag on his head doin' that! And what about them heathen statue-worshippin' Catholic types like that Pootin person who runs Russia, how's he gonna work with them? I just don't see it. He'd be too busy telling Pootin how he's going to hell for not comin' to the One True Church 'n' stuff to, like, actually get things done.

So anyhow I decided to write about my ole' cat-huntin' buddy Bill Frist and how he would be, like, the bestest President ever because, like, he knows all about health care and stuff. I asked Noreen for help and she just laughed and laughed and laughed, so I got the boys down at the garage to give me a hand so we wrote this nice article about how lesbians like Bill because Bill likes Jews and, like, even has a Jewish friend, and how Bill can solve health care by diagnosing folks with just pichers of them and stuff. And then I sent it off to that thare World Net Daily and waited for a reply.

It finally came! Except it weren't so good. I wondered why Noreen was laughing so hard when I got back from the garage yesterday, then she gave me the letter. "Dear Bubba: Thank you for your interest in writing for World Net Daily. While both you and Chuck Norris attack the English language the same way that Chuck Norris attacks concrete blocks, you are not Chuck Norris and I am not paid enough to re-write your idiocies into proper English. Go away. Sincerely, Norma Coleman, editorial assistant, World Net Daily."

Oh well. Guess I'll just have to stick with helpin' the boys down at the garage. Seems thems World Net Daily folks is just too uppity fer a downhome feller like me. Must be all them Lesbians workin' there. Yessiree. You ask me, they oughtter send'em all back to Lesbianon, but really, who coulda figgered that Chuck Norris is good enough for the Lesbianese, but not me? Huh!

-- Bubba the Suthern Penguin


  1. Yo Bubba, why dontchall write a column 'bout how them LIE-berals is trying to turn our kids all queer with books about gay New York penguins raising eggs like they's a real Christian fambly or sumpin!

    And that ol' fart in the Hairy Plotter books is queer too! How bout a column about that!

  2. nice, am i supposed to hear that with a southern accent and everything? smile

  3. You know, of course, that Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; unfortunately, Chuck Norris has never cried. And Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

    (From a list of "little-known facts about Chuck Norris" a friend sent me a couple of years ago).

    We now return you to your regularly-scheduled comments.

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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