Monday penguin porn

Gay Chinstrap Penguins nuzzle each other. Or maybe they're not gay. They're penguins, about the only way you can tell which sex a penguin is, is to send a otoscope up his or her cloaca (no external sex organs, dudes). These penguins thus may or may not be gay, and who cares, really?

-- Badtux the Porn Penguin

The plot to bring socialism to America

I am going to tell you a very important and little-known fact: I am part of an Antarctic conspiracy to bring socialism to America.

Now, I hear you saying, "oh get out with it!". But consider. We penguins are amongst the most socialist creatures on this planet. We do everything in groups. We swim in groups. We fish in groups. We huddle together in groups while protecting our eggs from hungry critters. We are socialist from top to bottom. So we hatched this plot on August 4, 1961 to bring the benefits of socialism -- the raw herring, the huddling together in the cold, etc. -- to the rest of the planet.

Yes, Barack Obama is ours, in most cunning disguise. The reason why he doesn't have his original birth certificate, just the re-issue from the State of Hawaii Birth Registry? It's because he doesn't really have one. Because we penguins are cunning hackers (see: Linux), we hacked into the Birth Registry's computers and placed a fake birth record there. We also bankrolled his career, using the vast wealth of the Antarctic, until now... now he is where we engineered him to be. Bwahahaha!

So what next for America, you ask? Okay, first, we ban home heating oil, natural gas, and electricity. Nobody needs heat or light. If shivering in the dark and cold and eating raw food is good enough for penguins, it's good enough for you naked monkeys too. Next, we send our crack penguin goon squads to take away all your guns. No more guns. Then we round up all Republicans and place them into concentration camps where raw herring will be flung over the fences from time to time for the conservatives to fight over. And then when all you naked apes are shivering and freezing in the dark, puking on your raw beef or raw herring, then is when we shall dispatch our penguin armies to take over and impose a socialist paradise upon America under the leadership of our brave fellow penguin, President Barack Hussein Obama.

What, you thought the right-wingers were engaging in tin-foil-hattery when they whined that President Obama was a foreign tool who was here to impose socialism upon America? Hah! You didn't know the half of it! Your problem is that you simply did not have the imagination to realize how daring the real plot to bring socialism to America was. Prepare to meet your new penguin overlords. Bwhahahahahaha!

-- Badtux the Evil Penguin

Thanks for messing up my morning commute, asshole

Asshole commits suicide by jumping in front of a train.

This happened yesterday morning, right next to a road that I need to take to get to work. Needless to say by the time I came along at 9:35 the road was blocked tighter than a Republican senators, err, you know.

If you're depressed and shit, go to the fuckin' doctor already. Don't mess up everybody else's day by jumping in front of a train right next to a busy freeway. And if you do decide you're going to jump in front of a train, at least have the common decency to drive out to the Alviso Marina and walk out a half mile or so into the Bay before jumping onto the tracks. Sheesh. Common courtesy. It just ain't so common anymore, hmm?

-- Badtux the Inconsiderate Penguin

A blown seal? I think not!

This seal better not try that shit with *me*. 'Cause this penguin is well-armed and will turn him into sealskin boots. Booyah!

-- Badtux the Ain't-goin'-there Penguin

The world's most... interesting... job?

Think your job is boring? Imagine the poor sod who had this job -- evaluating all the porn available to decide what's admissible and not admissible to Canada. A 24 page listing of porn, porn, nothing but porn. Oh sure, I'm sure he got a charge from the job for the first couple of days. But day after day of beaver shots (and I ain't talkin' rodents) has to get pretty darn dull after a while even if you aren't a penguin...

-- Badtux the Otherwise-Employed Penguin

Is it better to be anally raped by an elephant or by a donkey?

Oh dear God. I need eyewash after Googling "elephant penis size" and "donkey penis length". Ick!

Oh, being raped by a donkey is probably preferable to being raped by an elephant. For one thing, being mounted by an elephant, even without penetration, would tend to make either a hairless monkey or a penguin rather... flat.

I leave it to you to apply this lesson to the question of who to vote for in November.

-- Badtux the Political Animal Penguin

A cold rain falling

It is raining. I am going to take a brief walk around the block to look at all the for-sale signs again, then go to bed.

-- Badtux the Aquatic Penguin

A rare sighting

The elusive Northern Mojave Desert Penguin was spotted with a miner friend near the thriving metropolis of Rhyolite, Nevada.

Normal blogging will resume shortly.

-- Badtux the Traveling Penguin

And here's to you, Mrs. Robertson

Oops, sorry, Mrs. ROBERTS. As in, Oral Roberts University Mrs. Roberts. So now we know why God apparently re-appeared in a flaming bowl of dollar bills and told her husband, Robert Roberts, to take a leave of absence as head of Oral Roberts Ministries. No word on whether Mrs. Roberts did it in an, err, ORAL way with her 16 year old boy toy sweetie...

I love watching tighty righties, because you scratch a tighty righty, what you find is... oooh, the perversions! It's more entertaining than watching a flock of penguins eagerly rubbing their cloaca together!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Arizona wildlife

One of the things I miss about Arizona is the very attractive wildlife jogging up and down Piestewa Peak (was Squaw Peak back then). Yum!

-- Badtux the Nasty Penguin

Sleep deprivation experiment

DIdn't get to sleep until 6am, woke up at 10am. How does a penguin do on 4 hours of sleep? Interesting experiment, dear Watson. Didn't stop me from heading up to Wally World to get my medicines, then over to Harbor Freight Tools and Sears to start the work of replacing the tools that were in the toolbox that thieves stole (grrrrrr....). None of my core tools were in that toolbox (they were all with my Jeep that weekend), but lots of shit that just make working on cars and motorcycles more pleasant were in there, as well as some specialty tools that I don't even know whether I need'em anymore but it was nice having them in case I ever did need'em again (tools good! Ugh!). So over at Harbor Freight I got cheap replacements for the various specialty pliers (bent nose, needle nose, etc.) which when you need'em you need'em as well as various picks, scribes, tweezers, and other such implements of mass destruction, and oh yeah, my freakin' *air nozzles* were in that tool box too for attaching to my air compressor/air tank to do stuff like fill up tires and such via quick disconnect so I had to pick up a new air tool kit. Then over at Sears, I got replacements for the locking pliers and channel-loks that got stolen (I had the one of each that I use most often in the Jeep with me, well actually had two of the Vice-grips a tiny one and a regular size one, but the ones I didn't have do get occasional use when they're just the right tool for the job). Thus far the thief has set me back around $120, and I haven't even started on stuff like sheet metal shears and such that were in that toolbox, grrr...

So it appears that sleep deprivation makes me type run-on sentences and buy tools. Sigh. Guess it could be worse. Oh, yeah, what beats me is that I'm cutting back on my caffeine intake, just one cup in the morning for the past two days otherwise I can't safely navigate out of my front door and I'm going to cut that down to an 8oz cup rather than a 16oz mug (heh!) then to a 4oz cup at which point I should be able to kick the coffee habit entirely, but it doesn't seem to be helping the insomnia issue. And no, I don't use meth or crack, so don't bother telling me to quit them either :-). Oh yeah, my Macbook in clamshell mode hooked up to my widescreen 22" monitor is suhweet, but I can't find a picture browser that is as nice as gqview on Linux for the Mac. iPhoto is almost there, but is way too slow once you import thousands of photos into it and sucks up all the memory on the system (and remember I have two gigabytes of memory in my Macbook), not to mention that you have to import the photos into it in the first place, you can't just browse an arbitrary directory full of penguin porn for example unless you import it and who wants to have a 'penguin porn' category in their iPhoto left tab heh! So I guess I gotta fire up Xcode and do my first Aqua programming -- porting gqview to the native MacOS API. That oughtta be a trip :-).

Oh, for those of you who have multiple cats with multiple food bowls, do you find that your cats are picky about what order you fill the food bowls in? If I fi ll the food bowl by the wine rack before I fill the food bowl by the refrigerator, the furry beasties get all discombobulated. The Mighty Fang goes and starts eating out of the food bowl by the wine rack until Mencken shoves him away to grab a few bites, meantime I put food into the food bowl by the refrigerator and nobody's eating out of there. But if I put food into the food bowl by the refrigerator, TMF starts chowing down, while Mencken goes and waits by the one by the wine rack, I put food in there, and Mencken starts chowing down, then it's both kitties chowing down at the same time like it's supposed to be. Damned furry beasts simply do not tolerate any variation from their routine, it gets them all tangled up... hmm, okay, so sleep deprivation starts making penguins start talking about cats, photos, crack habits, and other stuff in a posting about insominia too. Babble babble babble...

-- Badtux the Sleepless Penguin

Important question of the day

In a war for world domination, would Dr. Zaius's monkey army, Evil Spock's radioactive ant army, or this humble penguin's penguin army prevail?

Curious penguins want to know!

-- Badtux the World Domination Penguin
But hey, penguins are kick-rear anti-ship missiles...

Bipolar disorder

Black or white. Good or evil. Liberal or conservative. If you ain't wit us you agin' us. Ever notice that some monkeys seperate the world into two different poles and sort everything into those two poles, without ever acknowledging any shades of gray? It must be sad to have such a bipolar disorder, where you see only two poles - "us" and "them". As a black and white and yellow penguin in a world of monochromic monkeys, I can only express puzzlement at the inability of monochromic monkeys to see anything that is both black and white. Instead, they only see the color that they want to see, at which point this penguin becomes a white penguin for those who want to see white, and a black penguin for those who want to see black. Or a "liberal" penguin for those who want to see "liberal", or a "conservative" penguin for those who want to see "conservative". Sad, really. How odd, these monkeys that can see only one color at a time, and never revel in the black and white and yellow and green extravagance of the universe!

-- Badtux the Multi-colored Penguin

Reaming continues...

$3.20 per gallon for regular at my local gas station (which is one of the cheaper ones in the city).

Here is what I want to do to oil company executives: Too bad penguins can't fly, or I'd do it to their face rather than to their shoe :-(.

-- Badtux the Poopy Penguin

Note: For more about penguin defecation than you ever wanted to know, check out this igNobel-prize-winning paper...

The Gay Penguin Conspiracy

OMG, The Gay Agenda got my cousin Tux!

- Badtux the "They're getting personal, now!" Penguin

The evils of penguin porn

Karl was a penguin. Karl was using his laptop to browse penguin porn. Now Karl is a flat penguin, after Karl, intent upon getting a closeup view of the porn, stepped onto the keyboard of his offended laptop which then snapped closed on him.

Thus illustrating the evils of penguin porn. This blog has been the cause of more flattened penguins than any other site on the Internet. Well, other than perhaps that evil supervillain, The Gay Agenda, who has been busily forcing penguins to be gay, which arguably is a worse evil than causing them to be flat.

So will I continue purveying penguin porn, knowing that it causes my waddling cohorts in herring adoration to become flat? Why... YES! The only question in my mind is what to post. Oh dear, so much porn, so little time...

So without further ado, here is some *HARDCORE* penguin porn:

-- Badtux the Pornography Penguin

Gay Agenda victimizes penguins!

After posting the gay penguin porn below, I received a comment from Pope Horatio Tyrannosaurus Nixon Rex of the Church of Nixon Incarnate reminding me that this isn't the first time that gay penguins have been in the news. Given that homosexuality is an unnatural perversion perpetrated by sinners upon one another, how could penguins, who are animals and thus free of sin, be gay? Obviously someone is FORCING them to be gay!

After much investigation, I found the villian! I asked my Freeper friends, and they said that it's The Gay Agenda that's forcing these poor innocent penguins to be gay! Apparently The Gay Agenda is a super-villain much like Lex Luther or The Joker, who goes around forcing men to marry men and women to marry women and boy penguins to, well, boink boy penguins, and The Gay Agenda will come and force YOUR child to be gay if good God-fearing Americans like you and I don't put a stop to him! After some digging around on the Internets, I found a picture of The Gay Agenda:

If you see this villain, contact Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell immediately so that they can rush to the God Cave, toss on their superhero outfits, and foil this evil villain using the mighty superpowers of Bible Thumping and Fatuous Orating granted to them when they were exposed to toxic chemicals as youths! It makes this Freeper's heart just THROB with joy to think of these three-piece-suited crusaders rushing through the streets in the Godmobile to save innocent penguins from being turned into perverts by that evil supervillain, The Gay Agenda!

-- Badtux the Newly-Converted Freeper Penguin