Know your dwarfs

I thought it might be helpful to have a guide to the Republican dwarf-tossing contest oops "primary" contest with the main contestants err candidates. So here we go...

#1: Creepy Dwarf. Creepy Dwarf is best known for his creepy fudge packing exploits. Also for putting his dog on top of his car while on a long vacation trip and exporting several hundred thousand jobs to India and China, which endears him greatly to voters in India and China. Hobby: Whining about people who point out he's running against his very own Obamneycare health care plan.

#2: Frothy Dwarf. Of the various candidates in this dwarf-tossing contest, spends the most time proclaiming how much he loves God and thus is most likely to rape your boy-child if left alone with him in an empty room. Hobbies: Fantasizing about man-on-dog sex, and making children cry.

#3: Goldy Dwarf. Goldy Dwarf is kinda old and stiff and does a lot of ranting at kids about how the only real money is gold coins, which totally baffles them because if you try spending gold coins at a supermarket the clerks just look at you as if you're deranged. The kids like him though 'cause he's, like, totally down with smoking pot. Hobby: Running for President.

#4: Grumpy Dwarf. He's grumpy. He's vindictive. He's ugly. He's best known for shutting down the government because the President made him ride in the back of the bus, and divorcing one of his many wives for the character flaw of having cancer. And for his current wife, Caligula the Impaler, a cyborg kill-bot from the Andromeda galaxy, best known for her helmet of gold disguised as "hair". Hobby: Putting coal in children's Christmas stockings.

#5: Dopey Dwarf. He's not the sharpest tool in the tool shed. Best known for wearing Heath Ledger's jacket while ranting about the evils of Teh Ghey, and having totally MAH-velous hair. And oh, he's not gay. Really. Not at all. No way, no how. Rumors about the size of his closet are just totally wrong, yessiree. Hobby: Looking at self in mirror.

#6: Crazy Dwarf. Along with Frothy Dwarf, spends much of her time talking about voices in her head that told her to run for office, and has the crazy eyes to prove it. Like Dopey Dwarf, spends much time ranting about the evils of Teh Ghey. Married to a man by the name of Marcus, who minces and prances and wiggles his hips when he walks and who is totally not gay. Really. Hobby: Holding conversations with the voices in her head.

#7: Oily Dwarf. His family's oil company has bankrolled his campaign. Also wears magic underwear like Creepy Dwarf and is former leader of Utah, a theocratic nation somewhere in the Middle East between Iran and Iraq that like Iran is ruled by an unelected religious elite that uses elected officials as figureheads to disguise their power. Hobby: Politics.

#8: Flaky Dwarf. Failed one-term governor of a small corrupt banana republic somewhere in South America, where he lost his re-election primary campaign to a dude who capers around in the woods wearing a white bedsheet. Biggest highlight of his gubernatorial career: receiving foreign dignitaries in the governor's mansion while wearing bathrobe and fuzzy slippers. Hobby: Making passionate speeches to an audience of three in supporters' living room.

And finally, gone but not forgotten:

Doughy Dwarf. Best known for taking a mediocre pizza company, and making it into a mediocre pizza company. Hobby: Feeling up women.

These, apparently, are the best men that a major political party can find to run for office here in the USA. Or as Jazzbumpa is so fond(?) of saying: WASF.

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Rick Santorum has seven guns

No, I'm not joking. How... phallic. He also has closets. Very *large* closets. Just sayin' :).

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Flightless in America

Yay, the Senate goes home without re-authorizing the FAA.

Nice time to be a flightless waterfowl. If this shutdown of the FAA continues, you're *all* going to be flightless. Yeah, ATC is still gonna be up and running, and TSA is run by Homeland Security so isn't affected, but things like pilot certifications, aircraft worthiness tests, and so forth won't be happening. If you don't have your check ride and ticket from the FAA, you don't fly -- period. And that needs to be renewed *yearly*, so in a month or so a large number of airline pilots are suddenly not going to be rated to fly the jet they're flying -- and they won't be able to legally fly. And won't fly. And neither will you.

Just another gift from the Republican refusal to govern...

-- Badtux the Flightless Penguin

Because brown / Muslim people drive taxies

Now, there's some folks who wonder why Idaho State Sen. John McGee (R)didn't just call a taxi when he was four sheets to the wind. I mean, calling a taxi is a lot easier than walking out into the parking lot, peering around into cars looking for one that has keys in it, finding a Ford Excursion with a 20 foot travel trailer hooked to it, and taking it for a joyride and crashing it, followed by subsequent arrest for DUI and grand theft auto (and trailer!).

But look, you're thinking like a liberal Democrat. Everybody knows that taxi drivers are mostly immigrants. BROWN immigrants. Often MUSLIM immigrants. The horror, oh the horror! And you would subject Mr. McGee to that horror?! For shame, shame!

Oh yeah, remember the chant: IOKIYR. Alrighty, then!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Just another day in the GOP...

Newt "The Lizard" Gingrich claims he's not a Washington insider despite, err, having been 3rd in line for the Presidency for much of the 1990's and lived in Washington and worked as a Washington lobbyist ever since. If he's not an insider, I'm a seagull. (Hmm, checks for wings... nope. No wings. Guess not). Newty Newt continues to go down ever since he basically read the polls, saw that eliminating Medicare and replacing it with a voucher program was a non-starter with the American people, and made a statement to that effect on national TV. That makes him a non-starter only to drooling Randian zombies and lizard people who rub their hands together with glee over the thought of sending all those unseemly OLD people to the ice floes for the crime of, well, getting old. Unfortunate for Newtie, drooling Randian zombies muttering "Brraaaaaains.... BRAAAAAiiiiiins...." under their breath are the Republican "base" right now, led by a contingent of cold-blooded lizard people whose compassion for humanity got left on Planet Sociopath. Newtie may be one of the latter, but he can't seem to make the Randian zombies like him, so I think he's toast.

Meanwhile, Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum takes a break from obsessing about man-on-dog sex (what kind of person obsesses about man-on-dog sex, I ask you?), and, based upon his extensive experience (having watched *EVERY* episode of "24"!), proceeds to lecture John McCain about how John McCain doesn't know anything about torture despite, err, actually having been tortured by the North Vietnamese. Err... yeah. Okay. Pull the other flipper, why doncha?

The situation is so dire that Rick Perry's hair and Jeb Bush have both been mentioned as possibilities that could be drafted to run for the GOP nomination, despite the disadvantage of being closely related to Texas Gov. Rick Perry and George W. Bush (respectively). I doubt Rick Perry's hair is going to run because the questions of "where's the birth certificate?" would get annoying. The notion of Jeb Bush running for President despite being the brother of the most-reviled President of the past 30 years is worthy of laughs and giggles, but not much more -- Jeb's no teabagger, his candidate for Floriduh governor lost to a teabagger, so that pretty much disqualifies him all by himself. In short, like Huckleberry, he just ain't crazy enough to be a Republican candidate this election season...

Saw Ted Nugent's performance with Huckleberry on Huckster's Fox show. The Nuge looked *really* deranged there. As in, had the same expression on his face as Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" when Jack axes the door, sticks his head through, and says "Here's Johnny!". Eeep!

The fact that this is the cream of the Republican crop says... err. Nevermind. It doesn't say anything. I mean, spittle-flecked frothing at the mouth might be communicating something, but it's not saying something, kapiche?

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

You're a thin-skinned racist, Mr. Trump

Donald Trump cancels appearance on Letterman show after Letterman points out that denying the President's citizenship "has the appearance of racism". Given that in an actual political campaign he would be accused of that and more, I think it's official: Mr. Trump is too thin-skinned to be President.

Here is Mr. Trump explaining that he's not a racist, it's all those people claiming he's a racist who are racist:

Gosh, all those tea party types sure are defensive about racism, aren't they? Alrighty, then!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

The most depressing poll of the year

A plurality of Mississippi Republicans think interracial marriages should be illegal.

But hey, no racism in the Republican party, nosirree! Alrighty, then!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Wishy-washy feel-good nonsense

Preznit Hopey-Changey talks about bullying. It's bad, he says. Lots of people agree it's bad, he says. Missing, however, from all that wishy-washy feel good talk in his speech is anything that even vaguely smells of effective action. Coat drives and values education aren't going to change the fact that there are some children who are just plain mean and vicious, and who will viciously bully anybody who they feel they can get away with bullying, just because they can.

I'll listen to Obama speak about bullying once he starts dealing effectively with the Republican bullies that have been bullying him ever since his election. His strategy thus far for dealing with Republican bullies appears to be to surrender and meekly hand over his lunch money, then mouth wishy-washy platitudes about hope and change. Yeah right. Like that's ever worked to stop bullies from bullying...

-- Badtux the Practical Penguin

Those patriotic Republicans

The Orange Boner refuses to let Frank Buckles lie in state at the Capitol. What's he afraid of, that other living WW1 veterans would want the same honor? Oh wait, that's right, there ARE no other living WW1 veterans!

The Rethugs talk a good game about being "patriotic real Americans", but when it comes time to put their actions where their mouth lives, well...

-- Badtux the Hypocrisy Penguin

A woman's place is barefoot and pregnant in the home

That, apparently, is what the Republican commissioners of Frederick County, Maryland say.

Note that a woman staying home with the children, in today's day and age, is very much an upper middle class affectation. Nobody who's in the bottom 90% of income can afford it. Simply buying a house in most of the country requires two wage earners, because the median salary in most of the country won't even pay the mortgage note even with today's lower home prices.

So let's get this straight: Republicans in Frederick County, Maryland, just told 90% of the people in the county "yo, go live on the street, you bums." Because you can't afford to live in that (fairly expensive) county on a single wage-earner's income... well, unless you're a corrupt Republican politician in the top 10% of wage earners, anyhow.

-- Badtux the "Well, at least it wasn't cake" Penguin

Are there no workhouses?

That question, asked by Dickens' villain Ebenezer Scrooge when a charity came by asking for donations for the poor, is currently "No" for children. But the State of Missouri is aiming to change that. To quote Jay Leno: “And in Missouri, Republican state Sen. Jane Cunningham has introduced a bill that would eliminate her state’s child labor laws. Well, yeah, I mean, why should the 10-year-olds in China be getting all the good factory jobs?”

I've never had a desire to move to a third world nation. I like hot showers. I like heated homes. I like cook stoves that you can simply turn on and off and they just work. People say I should at least travel to a third world nation so that I can get a first-hand look at how the majority of people on this planet live. No worries, though -- it appears I'm going to live in one anyhow, without moving an inch. Complete with child laborers in our factories and fields.

- Badtux the Third-world Penguin

A taxing question

Taxes for 2010 are the lowest they've been, as a percentage of national income, since 1950. This is true whether you're looking at just federal taxes, or you're looking at combined local, state, and federal taxes.

So why, then, do many people seem to believe that they're overtaxed? My thought: It's because taxes today are fundamentally different from taxes in 1950. In 1950, taxes on ordinary working class and middle class individuals were fairly low -- sales taxes were around 1% in those few states that had sales taxes (vs. average of around 8.5% today), payroll taxes were 1.5% (vs. 7.65% today), and residential property taxes (vs. commercial property) accounted for around 1/3rd of all property tax receipts here in California vs. 2/3rds today. Corporate income taxes accounted for around 30% of income taxes collected in 1950, whereas they account for only around 7% of income tax collections today.

In short: People believe they're overtaxed because they are overtaxed -- but not because overall taxes have risen, but, rather, because taxes have been shifted from the rich and corporations to ordinary people. And if you think this result, which occurred only with the domination of Republican tax policies starting in around 1980, is coincidence, I got a bridge in Brooklyn for sale cheap to the lowest bidder...

-- Badtux the Taxing Penguin

Family values

John Boehner's boner. According to the National Enquirer, our favorite (supposedly happily married) Ooompa Loompa is getting his boner drained by a female (presumably) lobbyist.

I say "presumably female" because snakes don't have externally visible genitalia and thus it's very difficult to sex them... but Republicans don't care what they're boning anyhow, just ask Larry "I Am Not Gay!" Craig, heh!

-- Badtux the Family Values Penguin

Updated! For Sungold's benefit, a picture of our favorite Oompa Loompa!

Die quickly

Ezra Klein asks, "What is going to be done about the plight of those permanently unemployed because they're too young to retire but nobody will hire them because they're too old?".

Well, the Republicans have a plan for that too. Too young to retire but too old to work? It's the same basic plan as their retirement plan for the poor once Social Security is dismantled, as their health care plan for the bottom 98% of the population once health care reform and Medicaid are dismantled, and so forth. Don't get unemployed, and if you do, die quickly. Duh.

Not that Preznit Hopey Changey has any other plan, other than, well, hopey for changey. Or as Vice Preznit Pie-hole put it, "hang in there". Uhm, yeah. Hope is not a plan. Just sayin'.

So we have one party that's incompetently evil, and another party that's evilly incompetent. Sigh. WASF.

- Badtux the Snarkily Disgusted Penguin

World Nut Daily praises white extremists

The usual, the usual. In this case, Kinston, NC kept electing black Democrats to office. In retaliation, Barbour Haley's beloved Citizens Council (relabeled of course for the new millennium) got passed a new ballot initiative outlawing putting party affiliation onto the ballot, so that voters would have trouble seeing who was the black Democrats just by looking at party affiliation, thus hopefully depriving the black candidates of a few votes and getting more whites elected. The Justice Department sued, and a judge agreed that the ballot initiative is illegal -- because the entire intent of the law was to get more whites elected, it's illegal under the Civil Rights Act of 1965.

World Nut Daily's writer is incensed, incensed I say, at this untoward interference in local affairs! Why, if the whites of a town want to insure that their own get elected via hook or by crook (mostly by crook in this case -- as in, crooked), it's their own affair, and the Feds should not get involved!

Remember, whenever you see a Republican talk about "state's rights" or "local autonomy", what they mean is a state's right to discriminate against people of color (and other minorities). It's just short-hand for bigotry and hate. That's all.

-- Badtux the Helpful Penguin

Welcome, comrades!

A fond welcome to a new Communist magazine, comrades! This Communist magazine did a survey and found that 70% of those polled supported higher taxes on Wall Street, especially higher taxes on bonuses for executives of bailed-out firms. Clearly this magazine only surveyed fellow Communists, not good upstanding capitalist Americans, who surely would never support higher taxes on the rich because, well, that's Communist, right, comrade?

Oh, the name of this new Communist publication? Urm... Bloomberg News. And the people surveyed were a statistically random sample of Americans.

Hmm... by the definition of the Weeper of the House (Boehner) and the Weeper of the Tube (Glenn Beck), that makes 70% of Americans... COMMUNISTS? Welcome, comrades! Let us build a worker's paradise here in Soviet America, da?

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

The Catfood Commissioner strikes again

Not content with wanting to cut the benefits of Social Security recipients (who paid into the system for their entire lives) to the point where they have to eat cat food because they can't afford real food, now Obama's favorite cat food commissioner, Alan Simpson, proposes that disabled veterans be the next cat food commission victims. Because, you know, the government had nothing to do with them becoming disabled, so should do nothing for them. After all, Alan Simpson's rich motherfucking oligarchs need that money worse than people that, like, those oligarchs sent overseas to die for oil. I suppose though that this is just par for the course for the Republican plan for America. The Republican health care plan: Just die, already. The Republican Social Security plan: Just die, already. The Republican plan for disabled veterans: Just die, already. Fuck, the Republican Party makes Dr. Kevorkian look like a fuckin' angel of life and joy and happiness, yo. They ought to just rename themselves the Party of Death and quit playin' around with the onesies and twosies.

Republicans: They want you to just die, already.

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

The truth gives Republicans the vapors

Republicans are deliberately trying to sabotage the economy, states a Democratic Senator from Michigan after a Republican filibuster kills Federal aid to states plus kills unemployment benefits for 5.29 million of the 9.6 million Americans receiving employment benefits.

So, starting next week, millions of Americans will no longer have enough money to buy bread and water for their supper (because that's all the pitiful "unemployment benefits" offered here in the USA will buy), and states will have to fire 40% or more of their employees, adding yet *more* unemployed people to starve in the streets. And this is all according to plan, according to the leader of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, who publically has stated that the Republican plan is for Obama to fail.

And now the Republicans are having the vapors, the vapors I say, over Senator Debbie Stabenow's stating of what their very own leader said was the plan. So it goes... "hypocrisy" and "Republican" go together like "macaroni" and "cheese", yo!

- Badtux the Unsurprised Penguin

Am I worried about Israel?

That is the question that Mark Kirk (R-Crazyville) asks me, before asking me for a donation for his U.S. Senate race.

Nevermind that this liar Republican dipshit lied about both his military record and his teaching career, a moron so cowardly that he was worried his nursery school students would bring a gun to class... the deal is that I'm electing folks for the Senate of the UNITED STATES of AMERICA, not for ISRAEL. I want someone in office who puts America and Americans first, not Israel. Mark Kirk, on the other hand, puts Israel ahead of America and Americans, to whit (from his email to me):

Thank you for your strong support. Together, we will defend the State of Israel from those who seek her destruction ...

All I gotta ask is this question: What's in it for America and Americans to give a shit about Israel? Because that's what my Congress is supposed to be looking out for -- America and Americans -- because they're the Congress of the UNITED STATES, *NOT* the Congress of some folks overseas who speak some foreign gabble and, like, aren't Americans, doh!

-- Badtux the Patriotic American Penguin

(Note: I give the same answer to the people who say we have to stay in Afghanistan or Iraq "for the good of the Afghans" or "the good of Iraqis". Fuck that shit -- America's goverment is the government of the UNITED STATES, not of some folks overseas who speak some foreign gabble and, like, aren't American, so let them take care of themselves, yo!).

I get asked questions

Question asked of me: "Why do white working-class men support the Republican Party despite the fact that Republican policies harm their economic well-being?"

There is a one-word answer to that question, but let me give you some background first. In my younger days I worked in oil refineries doing electrical work. I know exactly why those peckerwoods have all run to the Republican Party: They hate people of color. They hate "niggers". They hate "beaners". They blame minorities for all their woes, and especially for driving down their wages via competition. A common expression I heard in the oil field was, "goddamn niggers getting out of their place, taking our jobs."

Today's Republican Party is their party of choice, ever since Ronald Reagan made the Republican Party's embrace of racism explicit by announcing the start of his Presidential campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi, a hotbed of KKK activity then and now. When Patrick Buchanan announces to a stunned Rachel Maddow that the Republican Party should re-brand itself as "the party of white men", Patrick is merely acknowledging an already-done deed. White working-class men, buffeted by forces they don't understand, have settled on dark-skinned people as the cause of all their problems... and today's Republican Party is all too ready to welcome them and their racism with open arms. So there's your one-word answer: Racism. All I needed to say, but I am a long-winded penguin, eh?

- Badtux the Southern Penguin