Gripe of the day

What's with these people who don't flush the toilet? Are they so impressed by the fact that they managed to produce a turd that they want to preserve the evidence so that *we* can be impressed too? Dude. It's shit. We're not impressed. Flush it down. If your feeble little head can figure out how. If not, how did you manage to make it to a public toilet under your own power in the first place?

Which reminds me -- public art here in the SillyCone Valley sucks. Down in LaLa Land, they get silly public art like this:

So what do we get here in the Silly Cone Valley? We get a drunken wife-beater whose statue spent ten years in a warehouse because he loved killing Mexicans and the Hispanic community was outraged that a statue of this dude was gonna be in a public park, we get a statue of drunken schmoos schmoozing:

And let's not forget the crowning accomplishment of public art in San Jose: An 8 foot tall pile of dog poop:

Compared to a giant silvery head of Lenin with a tiny Chairman Mao balancing atop it, We Suck.

-- Badtux the Random Penguin

Evolutionary advantage

-- Badtux the Easily Amused Penguin

Reunion!

So I hear the Beach Boys are getting back together and are going to go on tour. At which point... WTF?! They're fucking SEVENTY YEARS OLD! Being seventy years old is fine if you're a folkie like Leonard Cohen or Pete Seeger, or a country icon like Willie Nelson. Those folks never sung celebrations of being young in the sun, they were always serious adults. But the Beach Boys made their rep on songs about *surfing* and cars and shit, for cryin' out loud. That's young people stuff, what are they gonna do, come shuffling out on stage in their walkers and sorta jerk spasmodically around while "playing" their instruments (as session musicians play behind the scenes) and "singing" (lip-synching to recordings made when they were young)? WTF?

Maybe the prediction that December 21st, 2012 is the end of the world aren't so far-fetched after all. If septuagenarians can get together and sing "fun fun fun fun surfin' usa!" while jerking spasmodically in their walkers, *anything* is plausible, yo!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Know your dwarfs

I thought it might be helpful to have a guide to the Republican dwarf-tossing contest oops "primary" contest with the main contestants err candidates. So here we go...

#1: Creepy Dwarf. Creepy Dwarf is best known for his creepy fudge packing exploits. Also for putting his dog on top of his car while on a long vacation trip and exporting several hundred thousand jobs to India and China, which endears him greatly to voters in India and China. Hobby: Whining about people who point out he's running against his very own Obamneycare health care plan.

#2: Frothy Dwarf. Of the various candidates in this dwarf-tossing contest, spends the most time proclaiming how much he loves God and thus is most likely to rape your boy-child if left alone with him in an empty room. Hobbies: Fantasizing about man-on-dog sex, and making children cry.

#3: Goldy Dwarf. Goldy Dwarf is kinda old and stiff and does a lot of ranting at kids about how the only real money is gold coins, which totally baffles them because if you try spending gold coins at a supermarket the clerks just look at you as if you're deranged. The kids like him though 'cause he's, like, totally down with smoking pot. Hobby: Running for President.

#4: Grumpy Dwarf. He's grumpy. He's vindictive. He's ugly. He's best known for shutting down the government because the President made him ride in the back of the bus, and divorcing one of his many wives for the character flaw of having cancer. And for his current wife, Caligula the Impaler, a cyborg kill-bot from the Andromeda galaxy, best known for her helmet of gold disguised as "hair". Hobby: Putting coal in children's Christmas stockings.

#5: Dopey Dwarf. He's not the sharpest tool in the tool shed. Best known for wearing Heath Ledger's jacket while ranting about the evils of Teh Ghey, and having totally MAH-velous hair. And oh, he's not gay. Really. Not at all. No way, no how. Rumors about the size of his closet are just totally wrong, yessiree. Hobby: Looking at self in mirror.

#6: Crazy Dwarf. Along with Frothy Dwarf, spends much of her time talking about voices in her head that told her to run for office, and has the crazy eyes to prove it. Like Dopey Dwarf, spends much time ranting about the evils of Teh Ghey. Married to a man by the name of Marcus, who minces and prances and wiggles his hips when he walks and who is totally not gay. Really. Hobby: Holding conversations with the voices in her head.

#7: Oily Dwarf. His family's oil company has bankrolled his campaign. Also wears magic underwear like Creepy Dwarf and is former leader of Utah, a theocratic nation somewhere in the Middle East between Iran and Iraq that like Iran is ruled by an unelected religious elite that uses elected officials as figureheads to disguise their power. Hobby: Politics.

#8: Flaky Dwarf. Failed one-term governor of a small corrupt banana republic somewhere in South America, where he lost his re-election primary campaign to a dude who capers around in the woods wearing a white bedsheet. Biggest highlight of his gubernatorial career: receiving foreign dignitaries in the governor's mansion while wearing bathrobe and fuzzy slippers. Hobby: Making passionate speeches to an audience of three in supporters' living room.

And finally, gone but not forgotten:

Doughy Dwarf. Best known for taking a mediocre pizza company, and making it into a mediocre pizza company. Hobby: Feeling up women.

These, apparently, are the best men that a major political party can find to run for office here in the USA. Or as Jazzbumpa is so fond(?) of saying: WASF.

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Quick hits

71-year-old man drives 225 miles with dead wife in passenger seat beside him. He didn't know what to do without his wife to tell him what to do.

How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake? Apparently you just order him to go out on patrol, and he follows orders. So now John Kerry knows the answer to his question.

Over the past four years, the monetary base has been tripled. According to Austrian economists, this means we should be going Weimar, and should have been going Weimar for at least a couple of years. According to Keynesian economists, tripling the monetary base when you're in a liquidity trap will have no (zero) effect. So, uhm... who's right? (Hint: Krugman is right. Of course.)

Soldiers are having trouble feeding their families, and can't find jobs after they're mustered out of service, having a harder time than non-veterans even. America supports our troops, woot!

Yet more evidence of the shrinking middle class. Soon there will be only the filthy rich and the abjectly poor. Serfin' USA, dude!

- Badtux the Hits Penguin

A most FAHbulous candidate

Cut out a 'n' and turn it upside down to make a 'u' and paste it in place... and *that*, my friends, is a candidate that could shake up the GOP race. Heh.

- Badtux the Easily Amused Penguin

H/T

Voter turnout in Russia exceeds 146%

Russia apparently obeys Chicago Rules. Why should being dead deprive one of the right to vote early and often? ;).

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

The Goat Rodeo

So Herman Cain fell out of favor because he loves him some white meat (and dark meat too, but white meat was what offended the teabagger faithful), which meant that Newt the Reptile became the Republican frontrunner for the Not-Mitt-Romney position. Except, err, Newt the Reptile, aside from being cold-blooded and slimy and in general having a, err, likeability, problem, turns out to have taken over $1.5M from the exact same Freddie Mac he blasts as being "corrupt", then had the audacity to lie about it.

So now disappointed teabaggers need another candidate. This candidate should be personable, and should have a fine knowledge of geography (another one of Herman Cain's downfallings). This person should have experience in the limelight and experience dealing with a hostile press. Furthermore, this person should be looking for a *short time* gig, since the Not-Mitt-Romney job only lasts a few weeks before a press corps with the attention span of a hummingbird moves on to the next Not-Mitt-Romney. Oh yeah, and intelligence. Should have intelligence on roughly the same level as the Teabagger base.

Searching for this new Presidential candidate was hard work, but I think I finally found the perfect candidate to run against Mitt Romney for the Republican Presidential nomination:

Oh wait, while Caitlin Upton is certainly personable and is as smart as the Republican base -- yes, smart, S-M-R-T smart! -- she's only 22 years old and thus doesn't meet the Constitutional age requirement. Oh well!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Dear spammer

If your message starts out with "I am a sweet and attractive young woman ...", it might behoove you to consult a dictionary of American baby names to find a name that would match that description. I'm afraid that signing the message "Ross Gordon" isn't going to cut it.

-- Badtux the Laughing Penguin

How to repair your Jeep

Heh.

-- Badtux the Wrenchin' Penguin

I always wondered about that inane grin

And on a more serious note...

-- Badtux the Picturesque Penguin

Alright already

Halloween costume of the year.

Me, I'm going trick-or-treating as the invisible bond vigilante. Since nobody can see me, that way I won't take any candy away from children, despite what Very Serious People insist.

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Herman Cain's new campaign commercial

Beware the big potato moths... BIG potato moths.

Heh.

-- Badtux the Amused Penguin

Tool porn

I has it.

-- Badtux the Porn Penguin

Everybody with a beard looks alike

Paul Krugman is somewhat baffled by the above photo, which is of George Clooney's CIA agent character in the 2005 movie Syriana, except with a caption (of course!).

Still, I wonder sometimes how Krugman doesn't snap. Sometimes on those talking gasbag shows when someone says something completely stupid and nonsensical, Krugman's looking at them like, "you got to be kidding", he's got that expression on his face. Then there's all the folks who put words into Krugman's mouth, who state nonsense like:

1. "Krugman encouraged the housing bubble" (he didn't -- he said that if Greenspan kept dropping interest rates and pushing people to buy homes, Greenspan was going to create a housing bubble, but for some reason a prediction becomes "Krugman wanted it"?)
2. "Krugman always says printing money is the best thing to do." (Err, no -- Krugman points out both in his research and in his editorials that when you hit the interest rate zero boundary, fiscal policy -- i.e., actually putting government to work as consumer of last resort -- is the best thing to do, printing money would be incidental to that and unnecessary at present due to ultra-low interest rates).
3. "Krugman is the cause of the common cold." Uhm, okay, so I made that one up, but it makes just as much sense :).

So anyhow: let us simply be glad that someone with the intelligence of Paul Krugman has somehow managed to hold it together, because he's smart enough that if he flips, there's some folks whose cars are not only going to be burning, but they're going to be in it, 'cause Krugman don't play :).

-- Badtux the Appreciative Penguin

The Hells Angels don't play

You want to put their name on merchandise? You're asking for it, buddy. 'Cause they're gonna hurt you, bad. No no, they won't send an enforcer named Tiny over to, err, "convince" you. Worse than that. Way, way worse than that. They're going to sic some real vicious people on you, people so vicious that you're gonna wish you were dead by the time they're through with you. No no, not the Mafia, the Mafia is pussy cats by comparison. No, the Hells Angels are gonna sic... their lawyers on ya.

The horror, oh the horror!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

The Haunting of Penguin's Iceberg

If you were going to be haunted by a ghost, whose ghost would be your worst nightmare?

My selection: Milton Friedman. As I tried to sleep at night, he'd be nattering on about how public schools are socialism and should be abolished. As I showered in the morning, he'd be droning on about why Social Security should be privatized. When I got home in the evening and was trying to cook dinner, he'd be nattering along about how local regulations banning trans-fats in fried foods were Big Brother and a violation of people's right to kill themselves eating substances that they don't know are in the foods they're eating.

My guess is that I wouldn't last more than a few days before having a nervous breakdown. The cops would catch me running down the street, throwing random objects at something they can't see while shouting "Shut up! Just *SHUT UP!*" and I'd be in the loony bin faster than you can say "penguin".

Now, granted, there's other candidates. Like the crazy ex-girlfriend. At least Milty's ghost would never ask, "does this sheet make me look fat?" But still, I can't think that she would be any more annoying dead than alive... and unlike live Milton Friedman, who I could simply tune out by shutting my door in his face or turning the TV off when he appeared on one of the stuffed shirt shows, dead Milton Friedman could walk through walls. The horror, oh the horror!

-- Badtux the Irreverant Penguin

Do not stare into those eyes, for if you do, the insanity shall swallow you whole!

Gaffes don't matter

The left wing blogosphere and twittersphere is abuzz with the news that GOP Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann today warned of impending attack on US by Attila the Hun and his Horde. Or some long-defunct nation, anyhow.

Thing is, this kind of gaffe doesn't matter to Michelle Bachman's base, who would be puzzled about the whole thing. Soviet Union, Russia, whatever, it's all just somebody "over there" to them, and everybody knows that all them furriners hate America and want to kill us, right? You have to remember that her base are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know...

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

A reminder

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Back in town

Took a nice little Jeep expedition. Managed to drag a tow hook and bring home a big glop of mud, found that my tailpipe is hanging too low and is too long with the new gas tank tuck (it got a divot on its top from my *other* tow hook), managed to hit a tree with one of my front fender flares when I didn't compute my cut just right and put a wrinkle into it as well as popped out one of the screws holding it. I found out that my tow hooks are now what limits my departure angle since the gas tank is no longer hanging down. Nothing not fixable with a sawzall, a heat gun, and removing those stupid tow hooks, which really aren't necessary because I have a receiver hitch D-ring...

I see I got a Libertarian invasion while I was out of town. Like rats, those Libertarians are, constantly moving in and trashing lesser blogs with their incessant prattling about how the solution to all problems is Santa Claus (oops, "Free market", same thing), how pink unicorns shitting rainbows will solve the problems that Santa doesn't solve (oops, "charity", my bad), and their whining about how paying their share of what it takes to keep a civilization running is "slavery" (a whining that they do using a network originally created by tax money, astoundingly enough). I guess I'll need to dust out the place and spray a little of the insecticide of reality and facts around here, that usually keeps the infestation down to the point of reasonableness. I swear, you spend a day enjoying yourself with a bunch of fellow Jeepers and come back and the children have trashed the place. Siiiigh!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin