Dirty Fucking Hippies

The Catholic Church now has a new official explanation for why their priests keep fucking kiddies: the hippies made them do it.

Y'now, that excuse didn't wash when I was a kid, if I did something wrong or stupid and I said "my buddy Keith made me do it!" my mother would just shake her head and say "Go to your room, you're grounded for the next two days." It doesn't sound any more mature coming from an institution that's 2,000 years old and supposed to be more grown-up than that...

-- Badtux the Grown-up Penguin

How to protect your kids from Catholic priests

Sad to say, the product in question doesn't actually exist.

In other news, the number of children molested by atheist or Tuxologist clergy remains at... err.... ZERO.

-- Badtux the Religious Penguin

Papenfuhrer sez Church handled child sex abuse cases wrong

The Pope also said that the cause of priests sexually abusing children was lax American morals. Really!

Of course, this is the same Pope who, as the director of the Office of the Inquisition, basically told American bishops to threaten anybody who complained about a priest abusing children with excommunication (story from 2003, before Ratzi became Pope). When he says that the Church handled child sex abuse cases wrong, he probably was just pining for the old days when the Church could just take such people and "disappear" them into the Inquisitor's dungeon for a nice session of waterboarding or hot iron branding or plucking out of fingernails... or maybe just crush them under the treads of a panzer, ja?

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Gay Agenda sighting in Rhode Island

A Catholic bishop in Rhode Island has taken time from gay-raping little boys and forcing women to have babies to note in alarm that the mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda (left) has shot Rhode Island Attorney General Patrick Lynch with his Gay Ray Gun of Gayness, forcing A.G. Lynch to rule that (gasp) gays should have equal rights under the Establishment clause of the Constitution rather than be stoned to death. Why, if gays had equal rights, they would... they would... CUT OUR HAIR AND DECORATE OUR HOMES MOST TASTEFULLY! What would the makers of knotty pine furniture do then, I ask you? Think of their innocent little children, starving amongst a sea of knotty pine furniture in Cooterville Alabama. Oh the horror!

So remember boys and girls, keep an eye out for that mighty supervillain The Gay Agenda flying across your sky clad in his gay little short-shorts and perfectly coifed permed hair, because if he got his way, why, we'd all be gayer than the gay mayor of gayville and the children of the makers of knotty pine furniture would be reduced to eating sawdust for breakfast lunch and dinner. Think of the children! Oh the poor little children!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin