Monday, February 28, 2005

A.G. Watch: Abu Gonzales promises more War on Fun

Yes, boys and girls, welcome to today's show WATCH THE ATTORNEY GENERAL! In the left corner: Attorney General Abu "I love torture!" Gonzales, weighing in at a perky 150 pounds. In the right corner: Fun-loving penguins everywhere, weighing at, hmm, maybe ten pounds apiece? So what weapon is Abu going to use THIS day in his war on fun... hmm...

Ah! Give us ten pounds of Patriot Act, and ten pounds of Obscenity Prosecutions! Remember, boys and girls, Abu "I love Torture!" Gonzales doesn't want you to stroke your bones while watching (or reading) some of that nasty "porn" stuff. Well, not unless you're piled naked in a pyramid simulating sodomy while grinning GI's look on, anyhow! And if you DO decide to stroke your bones, remember: your Attorney General, thanks to that fine and tidy "Patriot Act" that lets him spy on anything he wants to spy on just as long as he says "it's about terrorism!", knows every dirty picture that you're using to make things more exciting, and he's COMING AFTER YOU!

So that's today's update in "Where's the Attorney General?". Tune in tomorrow for yet another edition of "How the world turns my stomach"!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Brains! Brains! Brains!

To: Police Detective Steven Caudill
  Winchester Police Department
  16 South Maple Street
  Winchester, Kentucky 40391
Re: Zombies

Dear Detective Caudill,

I wish to thank you for protecting the students and faculty at George Rogers Clark High School from the threat of zombies. As a concerned citizen I am of course direly concerned about William Poole and his threat to inflict zombies upon this school. School should be about putting brains into children's heads, not about zombies eating people's brains! I applaud your dilligence in protecting our community from the dire zombie threat. I am sure you will receive criticisms like, "zombies are fictional!", but believe me, you have every right to protect our community from zombies. What would those nay-sayers have done if you'd let young Mr. Poole go free and he had in fact made good on his threat to inflict zombies upon the school? Why, then they would have come after you for doing nothing!

Thanks to you, our fine city of Winchester, Kentucky is safe from the horrid zombie threat. I salute you with every member of my body, sir!


Bad Tux

Alabama wins a battle in their War on Fun(tm)

I cannot believe that I did not blog this when it happened. But so it goes, this penguin spent too much time at work last week (sigh)... so here goes:

We all know, now, about the War on Fun(tm). Religious conservatives are motivated by the suspicion that someone, somewhere, is having fun -- and that this requires the full power of the State to put a stop to it. Their dyspeptic faces are constantly on the lookout for anybody who might somehow, someway, be having fun -- which, in their deranged worldview of fire and brimstone, is Satanic and thus must be stopped.

Now, courtesy of Bitch, PhD., it is brought to my attention that Alabama outlaws sex toys and that the Supreme Court is letting it stand.

Remember, boys and girls: sex is fun. That means that sex is evil, unless you're doing it for procreation, and even then you should do everything possible to make sure you're not having fun. Like, missionary position only, thank you. Man on top. No foreplay, that's disgusting. And make sure to keep an image in your mind that will keep you from having fun. Like Dick Cheney naked, his flabby man-tits sagging in the breeze, making hot Republican love to Ann Coulter. Oooh, ick! And look, I know you're going to have trouble keeping it up with such an image in your mind. That's why our good friend Bob Dole is here, with the perfect pharmaceutical solution, guaranteed! And if your woman says she has a headache, well, you're a man, right? You gonna let her get away with that? Well gosh darn it, good Republicans just know how to pleasure a woman, right? Right?!

These people who think that sex toys are evil are sick. Sick sick sick. You can see the self-disgust on their bitter, angry faces. As a good Libertarian I tend toward Oscar Wilde's philosophy (or was it Dorothy Sayers?): what people do with each other sexually (or to themselves sexually) is no business of me and mine, as long as they don't do it out on the streets where it could scare the horses. But these humorless busy-bodies who want to intrude the long arm of the State into the bedroom because, since they aren't having any fun, they want to make sure nobody else is having fun either... what a sad, pathetic bunch they are. This penguin wishes to apply the Paddle of Correction to each of them -- in a loving way, of course -- and then introduce them to the pleasures of hot penguin love, complete with herring foreplay. Alas, so many dyspeptic sourpusses, too few snarky penguins... alas, alas, the nation doomed for lack of flightless waterfowl, whatever shall we do?!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Friday, February 25, 2005

New dating service for conservatives

Courtesy of South Knox Bubba, this penguin learns the disturbing fact that Sean Hannity has an online dating service for conservatives. Oh my eyes! Oh my poor eyes! Ick! The typical want ad there appears to be something like this:

Wanted: pasty, flabby Republican pundit wants pasty, flabby woman to fetch my beer. Must appreciate the tattoo on my meaty, girlish bicep, 'Born to Bloviate', emblazoned on the bulging tummy of the Pillsbury Doughboy - the symbol of the feared 101st Fighting Keyboarders. Interested sex kittens send EMAIL to:

As for why these Republicans need that site, I mean, look: look at that guy to the left there. He's a 41 year old never been married real he-man STUD, pasty face and flabby biceps and all! Hell, he probably never even had a date. Do you know how much courage it takes for such a loser to post his details on a web site like HanniDate?! My flippers salute in admiration of the brave Jonah and his fellow hoards of pasty, flabby Republican manhood, who have such a difficult time emerging from their mothers' basements to encounter that most unique of species, the pasty, flabby Republican woman, but who have finally found the right solution for finding that perfect flabby pasty beer fetchin' woman: Demonstrating their flabby biceps, pasty faces, and complete lack of intellect on a web site! What an amazing concept. I wonder why nobody ever thought of that before?!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Snarky penguin out-snarked

I must admit it: Night Light has out-snarked the snark-meister with their Modest Proposal for Ending Burden placed upon the Young by the Elderly. After all, while Jonathon Swift's modest proposal in the 18th Century only suggested that poor Irish children be used for sustenance by the hungry Irish populance, cooking techniques have come quite a ways in the 250 years since then. Why, I bet you could make an excellent stew or casserole out of a 75-year-old dowager, and those 70-year-old knobby-kneed golf freaks, while undoubtedly stringy, would most certainly have enough quality meat to make Kitty or Rover happy (why should we waste good horse meat on such purposes, anyhow?!).

Yes, indeed, there IS a solution to the burden placed upon the young by the elderly, and only a master of snark could have channelled Jonathon Swift to such extent. R.J. Eskow, I do salute you!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Disabled people don't need housing

Thanks to Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, for pointing out that Bush is proposing to cut housing for disabled people by 50%. Thus throwing 50% of disabled people receiving government-subsidized housing out onto the streets. But hey, those cripples and gimps can just get a job, right? I mean, sure, if you're a paraplegic that can only move your neck it might be hard, but c'mon, people, grow a spine! (Woops, sorry, if the paraplegic could do that he wouldn't be paraplegic, but...). It's their own darn fault anyhow, if they just prayed enough then God would heal them, they just don't pray hard enough.

But never fear, George W. Bush has a plan for dealing with all these gimps and paralyzed people. See, George W. Bush is, like, Jesus's second cousin, right? So here's the deal. After our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush, causes all these paralyzed gimps and cripples to be thrown out onto the streets, then He shall walk amongst them and touch each on the shoulder and say "Rise, and sin no more", and guess what, they'll all get up and walk! And get jobs like real people!

Boy, I'm glad we know THAT, now. Because I sure wouldn't want to live in a nation that just threw paralyzed and crippled people out onto the streets to die, right? Right?!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Postscript: Kangaroos. Penguins. This Vast Left Wing Conspiracy sure is into bestiality, hmm? What next, Senator Santorum's dog or Senator Cornyn's box turtle? Boy, I bet *they* really have some tales to tell, eh?

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Evil persists because we are cowards

In a moment of utter honesty, I discuss who is really responsible for the war in Iraq. Hint: It is not George W. Bush.

Then The Heretik brings up the 72nd anniversary of the death of Sophie Scholl, excuted for exhorting the German people to rise up from their complacency. On this day 72 years later, where once again a superpower is led by a madman who is running the nation and its armies into the ground, perhaps we should listen to the words of this young woman who tried to nudge the German people from their complicity in evil:

The real damage is done by those millions who want to 'survive.' The honest men who just want to be left in peace. Those who don’t want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won’t take measure of their own strength, for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don’t like to make waves—or enemies. Those for whom freedom, honor, truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small, die small. It’s the reductionist approach to life: if you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control. If you don’t make any noise, the bogeyman won’t find you. But it’s all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn.

Evil persists because good men refuse to act. Indeed, turn their heads to avoid seeing. And I do not exempt myself from this judgement. We are good Germans, honest men who just want to be left in peace, who don't want our little lives disturbed by anything bigger than ourselves. Oh, sure, we may pound these keys and pretend that we are making a difference, but, really, what acts do we take against evil? Nothing. Nothing but blather. Nothing but blather and righteous indignation then we return to our comfy homes and our lives of quiet desperation defecating and masticating and fornicating secure in our righteousness.

We have no one to blame for evil but ourselves.

- Badtux the Brutal Penguin

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Mid-morning snark attack

This is, of course, a reference to The Gannon Affair, where a gay male prostitute was given a full pass to the White House. About which The Poor Man snarks:

Everyone is still missing the point of the story. The story is not, as nitwits like Howie Kurtz maintain, that people are being mean to someone just because he's conservative. The story is not that Gannon is a hypocrite for promoting an anti-gay agenda. The story is not even that the White House gave such access to a reporter for a dummy news service operating under an assumed name, and may have used him to expose Valerie Plame. This is not the story.

The story is that God exists.

Think about it: what are the chances that a media whore like Gannon would turn out to be an actual whore? It's impossible. It boggles the mind how infinitely unlikely this is. It's like if you found someone pirating CDs, and it turns out he actually had a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder and sailed around the Caribbean saying "arrrrrr!" and plundering booty. You wouldn't believe it. But there it is: impossible, but true. Impossible truths are miracles, and only God can work miracles. Ergo, God exists. Q.E.D.

So: Who was Gannon f***ing in the White House to get his press credentials? Curious penguins want to know!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Uppity old people probably kick dogs too

So the right-wingnuts are going to try to do the same thing to the AARP that they did to John Kerry -- smear them with bullshit. Here's their latest hilarious attempt to do so:

Well gosh darn it, I didn't know that the AARP hated our soldiers and loved gay marriage! Here I was, thinking that they were concerned about, like, OLD PEOPLE. But maybe that's the point -- those old people hate America. Why, when those jets hit the twin towers I bet they were out there in the streets shouting and celebrating and waving their canes in the air and running people down with their Rascals!

So remember, boys and girls. Osama bin Laden isn't the real enemy of America. It's those pesky old people! So, how long you think it'll be before Attorney General Abu "I Love Torture" Gonzales writes a legal opinion in support of rounding up those pesky old people and sending them to detention camps "for the duration"?

- Badtux the non-elderly Penguin

Monday, February 21, 2005

More Hunter S. Thompson in his own words

From his last article:

The American nation is in the worst condition I can remember in my lifetime, and our prospects for the immediate future are even worse. I am surprised and embarrassed to be a part of the first American generation to leave the country in far worse shape than it was when we first came into it. Our highway system is crumbling, our police are dishonest, our children are poor, our vaunted Social Security, once the envy of the world, has been looted and neglected and destroyed by the same gang of ignorant greed-crazed bastards who brought us Vietnam, Afghanistan, the disastrous Gaza Strip and ignominious defeat all over the world.

The Stock Market will never come back, our Armies will never again be No. 1, and our children will drink filthy water for the rest of our lives.

The Bush family must be very proud of themselves today, but I am not. Big Darkness, soon come. Take my word for it.

It indeed did come soon for Hunter S. Thompson.

- Badtux the Gonzo Penguin

Hunter S. Thompson, RIP

I will let Hunter speak for a moment...

Q: So what took place during this past election?

HST: I believe the Republicans have seen what they've believed all along, which is that this democracy stuff is bull, and that people don't want to be burdened by political affairs. That people would rather just be taken care of. The oligarchy doesn't need an educated public. And maybe the nation does prefer tyranny. I think that's what worries me. It goes back to Fourth Amendment issues. How much do you value your freedom? Would you trade your freedom for some illusion of security? Freedom is something that dies unless it's used.

Q: Is there anything you regret?

HST: That goes to the question of would you do it again. If you can't say you'd do it again, it means that time was wasted -- useless. The regrets I have are so minor. You know, would I leave my Keith Richards hat, with the silver skull on it, on the stool at the coffee shop at LaGuardia? I wouldn't do that again. But overall, no, I don't have any regrets.

Hunter S. Thompson, chronologer of the death of the American Dream, was 67 years old when he died Sunday in Aspen, Colorado. The official cause of death is suicide. The real cause of death was a broken heart.

- Badtux the Saddened Penguin

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Today's Bible lesson for bigots: Love thy neighbor

Matthew 22:36-40 (NRSV)

‘Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?’ He said to him, ‘ “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Note that Jesus did not say "Love thy neighbor if he is white, Protestant, and straight." He says love thy neighbor -- period.

Now, I suspect that some bigots with hate-filled hearts, like that nutcase who goes around protesting "God Hates Fags", will then point to sections in the Old Testament that call homosexuality "abomination". The same sections of Leviticus in the Old Testament also prohibit the eating of pork and shellfish, yet these bigots have no problem eating bacon for breakfast and eating at Red Lobster for dinner. Jesus came to bring a new revelation to the world, a revelation which overrides any contradictory text in the Old Testament. It appears, however, that the bigots will pick and choose only those parts of what Jesus said that they agree with. Which means that they aren't Christians, since Christians are, by definition, followers of Jesus Christ.

Now, personally, I don't like people who lie and claim to be Christians when they really aren't, people like James Dobson who preaches a litany of hatred against anybody who is not a white Protestant like himself, Jimmy Swaggart who claims that all Catholics will go to hell, Jerry Falwell who claimed that 9/11 was retribution from God for loving our neighbor rather than stoning him as abomination, etc. Those are not Christians, because they do not follow the Gospel of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who says that the bedrock of Christianity is love for our neighbor. It's just sad that these sick anti-Christians are allowed to call themselves Christian and, by extension, smear the reputation of all real Christians in the bargain.

- Badtux the Christian Penguin

Friday, February 18, 2005

A War on Fun(tm) double-decker!

Now, I expected this out of Pastor John Asscroft, a holy roller who, just looking at his dyspeptic face, you knew the man was mortally offended that someone, somewhere, was having fun. Pastor John looked like the kind of guy who would deliberately think about something completely unsexy -- like, say, maybe Dick Cheney naked -- while doing his marital duty with his wife, 'cause, y'know, marital duty shouldn't be THAT fun, right? So it wasn't really anything exciting when Pastor John, obsessed with the fact that some man, somewhere, was getting a woody by looking at dirty pictures, filed charges of "obscenity" against the publishers of those dirty pictures for (gasp) GIVING MEN SOMETHING TO LOOK AT WHILE JACKING OFF. Which, of course, is fun. Which is a mortal offense in the world of dyspeptic old coots like Pastor John.

Now comes Attorney General Abu Gonzales, an altogether creepier guy (who, remember, wrote the famous torture memo that said that as long as you didn't kill the prisoner, it wasn't torture). You don't get the impression, looking at Abu Gonzales, that he's offended about people elsewhere having fun. You get the impression that he's getting a woody while thinking about waterboarding people. Or piling them in naked pyramids. Or beating them with socks full of sand until every part of their body aches. Or rubbing his hands with glee over the notion of splashing shit and urine all over prisoners then parading them naked down the center aisle of the prison on a leather leash. When he was a boy, he probably specialized in pulling the legs off of frogs and shoving lit firecrackers up cats' bungholes. He looks like one of those people who does have fun -- in a sick, demented sort of way.

So the question is this: Why has Attorney General Abu Gonzales continued Pastor John's jihad against vendors of products that (gasp) help men have fun?! Is it that he just enjoys the notion of putting people in prison because gay prison sex makes his little soldier fire off a one gun salute? Or what?

Curious penguins want to know!

- Badtux the Curious Penguin

State of Arizona joins War on Fun(tm)

Ah yes, the War on Fun(tm) -- where somebody, somewhere, has his religious sensibilities offended because somebody else is having fun (gasp! Heresy!). And then wants the full power of the state to put a stop to it, dag nab it, them young folks ain't s'posed to be having fun, next thing you know, they might even think they have the right to free speech or somethin', the gall of them youngsters! The State of Arizona is the latest gang joining the War on Fun(tm). It seems that some pharmacist, somewhere, was mortally offended by the possibility of (gasp) DOING HIS JOB! Saying, look, giving prescribed medicine to somebody offends my religious sensibilities, which says that having fun is sin. So the State of Arizona helpfully is going to tell this pharmacist, "look, you don't have to do your job if it offends your precious sensibilities".

What next -- Jewish butchers will get a special law allowing them to not butcher pigs because pigs are "unclean" in their religion? Muslims will be allowed to skip work on Fridays because Friday is a holy day in their religion? Err, ooops, sorry, no, this is the United States of America, and unless you're an offended right wing nutcase refusing to do the job you were hired to do, you don't deserve equal protection under the law, dag nab it!

Have you ever noticed that these fascist nutcases are always whining about "personal responsibility", but never exercise any? If you can't do the job you were hired to do because it offends your religious sensibilities, QUIT THAT JOB. My God, Mr. and Mrs. Right Wing Nutcase, take personal responsibility for your life! Quit trying to make Big Brother protect your offended sensibilities. What a bunch of whiners...

But I forget: personal responsibility isn't the point. The point is that someone, somewhere, is having fun. And we can't have that in the Ten Commandments States of America, can we? Right? Right?!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Thursday, February 17, 2005

War on Catholo-fascism continues!

A Catholo-fascist enemy of America
With the announcement that John Negroponte' shall be the new intelligence director of the United States, we can rest assured now that we are safe from the threat of Catholo-fascist nuns. Indeed, John Negroponte's record in the battle against Catholo-fascism has been unenviable, just as the Bush Administration's record against the Catholo-fascist threat has similarly been sterling.

Look, ever since that Papist freak in the Vatican along with hundreds of Catholo-fascist bishops insisted that the war in Iraq was immoral, we've all known what the real threat to America is: Catholo-fascism. Their insistence upon peace, justice, and human rights will KILL US ALL! Look, if God didn't intend for us to kill darkies, He wouldn't have invented M-16 rifles and F-16 fighter jets! Us good red-blooded Americans defeated the Catholo-fascist John Kerry when he ran for President, but those Catholo-fascists just won't stop with their wishy-washy wobblings about how killing darkies is wrong and immoral.

The only good nun
But never fear, Negroponte is here! Let no nun be undropped from a helicopter! Let no priest be unassassinated! He did it for Hondurus and El Salvadore, he can do it for the good ole' U.S. of A . also!

- Badtux the Sarcastic Penguin

[Note: This is satire. To quote Mario Cuomo about Negroponte and his ilk: "They kill nuns, and then lie about it." This brutal thug is the man we want running our intelligence services?!]

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

101st Fighting Keyboarders in trouble

The 101st Fighting Keyboarders, whose efforts in Iraq have led to our many, many victories there, are in trouble. Recruitment is down. Re-enlistments are down. Says General Karl Rove, "If we do not redouble our recruitment efforts, this unit shows all signs of becoming a failed force." The Poor Man gives us the gory details:

“It’s like this,” said [National Review writer and NRO Online editor] Jonah Goldberg, grabbing a fistful of Cheetos from his pack. “I believed in this fight, and my country needed me. They needed able-bodied men – doughy, able to handle the rigors of sitting in a swivel chair for seven, eight hours at a time, and not afraid to put on a little TV make-up when the shit gets heavy. So I signed up.” He spit Cheetos-orange on the carpet. “Any man who won’t opinionate for his country and what he believes … well, I don’t call that a man at all.” At that he pulled up the sleeve on his regulation-issue Tommy Hilfiger powder-blue dress shirt to show me the tattoo on his meaty, girlish bicep. 'Born to Bloviate', it read, emblazoned on the bulging tummy of the Pillsbury Doughboy - the symbol of the feared 101st Fighting Keyboarders.

The enemy had brought in a few independent studies to fortify their position. Goldberg called for reinforcements, and emails supporting his stand began pouring in. As quickly as they arrived, Goldberg posted them to his weblog on the front. The action was getting furious, and, without looking, Goldberg opened an email from an unknown address. On the monitor was the image of a single white feather. Goldberg fell back in his office chair, and hit the ground and began moaning, softly and piteously.

“Medic!” shouted Derbyshire.

K-Lo rushed over and crouched over him. “It’s bad,” she muttered. “Oh, man, it’s bad.”

“What is it?” yelled Derbyshire, panicked. “Where’d they get him?”

“Oh, it’s bad. Those bastards. Those fucking heartless bastards. They got him in the feelings. Oh God, oh God, no. Those motherfuckers hurt his feelings! God I hate this damned war!”

War is Hell. Especially if you're Jonah Goldberg, who must dodge all those White Feathers of Mass Destruction while engaged in his God-given duty of making excuses for war. Oh the horror!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

We Want Judge Roy Moore!

Citing the fact that 51% of Americans agree with him that the United States should be a Christian theocracy where preachers detirmine what is law or not, President George W. Bush once again re-nominated twenty preacher men for life time tenure in the federal courts. These fine upstanding Christian men, all of whom have said that sodomists should be stoned, women should be barefoot and pregnant, and doctors should be executed if they perform an abortion, are once again facing a fillibuster by those evil DEMON-crats and their silly insistence that the 1st Amendment of the United States prohibits imposing a state religion upon the 49% of Americans who don't want one. Christian groups, of course, are appalled that those filthy DEMON-crats would dare criticize God's Chosen President and His holy annointed nominees. Meanwhile those filthy sodomists whine that the Bush judges would make them all wear pink triangles so that them swishy fellers and butch gals couldn't be confused with REAL people, God's people, good Christian Republicans.

Oh wah! Look, the problem is that satanic forces are at loose in our land, and abomination walks the land. We need a REAL man to handle this. We need Judge Roy Moore, the only Christian man in America with the guts to say that the Ten Commandments should be the only laws we have!.

But maybe President Bush is just being canny. Maybe he's waiting until one of the members of the Supreme Court die or retire before he noiminates Judge Moore to cleanse our land of abomination. The first abomination that he smites from upon our land, I suggest, should be Red Lobster Restaurant, which is the veritable GATES OF HELL! Remember: You eat lobster, and Satan wins. It says so right in Leviticus 11:9-12!

- Badtux the Satirical Penguin

Monday, February 14, 2005

We need a new member for Axis of Evil

Remember when Preznit Dubya announced that there was an Axis of Evil containing Iraq, Iran, and North Korea? Well, now Iraq is not part of that Axis of Evil, since we liberated(tm)* it and the people there now have freedom(tm)**. But if the Axis of Evil only has two members and not three, it's not an Axis! So who should we add as the next member?

My personal nomination: The Bahamas.

Now I hear you say, "The Bahamas?!"

Yes, The Bahamas! Look, I have evidence that the Bahamas have joints of mass destruction. They're located to the north, south, east, and west of Nassau. These awesome weapons of mass destruction could easily fall into the hands of terrorists. DO you want New York City to disappear under a mushroom cloud of marijuana smoke? Oh the horror, people might actually have FUN!

So I repeat: As part of the multi-pronged War on Fun(tm), it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that the Bahamas be added to the Axis of Evil immediately, invaded, and their people liberated from the evil tyranny of Queen Elizabeth II, an unelected despot whose wicked rule has resulted in people who (gasp) ENJOY LIFE!

Besides, don't you just have dreams of seeing manly men like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove catching the rays on a Bahamas beach wearing nothing but bikini swim trunks after we liberate the Bahamas? AWESOME! Kinda like seeing a beached white whale. Except with more blubber. Yum, the thought of seeing their manly man tits sagging in the open air just makes this penguin's flippers flap for joy!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

*Liberated(verb): Killed their men women and children, installed our own puppet government, and freed them to be ruled by their mullahs.
**Freedom(n): The right to be pronged up the bunghole in order to enrich the Party elite.

If your library records can't be read by FBI, we all die

At least, that appears to be what Preznit Shrub's message to America was today. Nevermind that the Patriot Act's more evil provisions have never been used to catch any terrorists (Dubya's Justice Department is 0 for 1000 when it comes to terror convictions -- they're almost as competent as the Preznit himself). If Congress doesn't vote to renew those provisions, we will all be slaughtered in our bead by hoards of Islamofascists, says Dear Leader!

So remember, write your congressman, and tell him that you want the FBI to be able to look at his library checkout records at any time. After all, what if some Congressman checks out "Terrorism Daily"? Why, he might go berserk and kills us all!

Obligatory wingnuttery: Wingnuts say that the Patriot Act's library provisions aren't evil because "they've never been used". Well, if they've never been used, why do we need them?

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Saturday, February 12, 2005

War on Fun(tm) Continues

As some of you know, one of this penguin's hobbies is keeping a watch on what our intrepid Attorney General of the United States does. This was a lot of fun when Pastor John was attorney general. He was always making outraged statements about how somebody, somewhere, was having fun, and how evil that was.

Now, the question is, does our new Attorney General, Abu "I Love Torture!" Gonzales, embrace the War On Fun(tm) too? And the answer is, of course, YES!

Seems that somewhere in Santa Fe, New Mexico, these Brazillians were having some fun. In CHURCH, no less! Oh the horror! Church? Fun? What next, fatty foods that slim you down? Cigarettes that are good for you? Beer that makes you sober? Heresy!

But never fear, Attorney General Abu is on the case, and before you know it, these horrible people will be having no fun at all! After all, fun is un-American, everybody knows that!

- Badtux the "Fun? Isn't that un-American?" Penguin

Friday, February 11, 2005

I want to move to Nigeria

It must be paradise on earth, what with people dying all the time and leaving you millions of dollars out of the blue. At least, that's what all these EMAIL's tell me!

Question: Nigeria: Fetid pesthole of fraud and graft? Or America 20 years from now? Or both?

- Badtux the "Hmm, if I wait long enough, will Nigeria come HERE?" Penguin

Torture, USA style

The Heretik says: By sad experience, The Heretik knows torture is bad for the victim, worse for the soul of the perpetrator, and worst by far for the society that allows it. Then is asked the question: How in the world did we become a country in which gays' getting married is considered an abomination, but torture is O.K.?

Oh dear, naive Heretik! Look, Joe Bigot American doesn't care what's done to "those" people. You know, THOSE people. Suspiciously brown? Ain't good right-thinkin' Republicans like Joe Bigot? Belong to one of them funny religions that the preacher man sez is all goin' ta hell? Talk some funny gabble talk instead of, like, American, like REAL people? So of COURSE Joe Bigot American don't give a shit that as we speak people are being tortured on behest of the American government. If it ain't him or his own, he just don't give a damn.

But homosexuality... why, them evil faggots might, like, convert his own sons or daughters into swishy fellers or butch gals if they're given equal rights! At least, that's what the preacher man sez, and shorely a man of God wouldn't lie, right? Right?!

In other words, it's because homosexuality hits the American bigot at home, while torture doesn't. The American bigot doesn't care what happens to OTHER people, as long as it doesn't happen to him or his own. Homosexuality might happen to one of his own. Torture almost certainly won't (except for the minority of Americans who are suspiciously dusky-colored, y'know?). As with Germany in 1939, the majority of Americans have no problem with torture, as long as it only happens to untermenschen and not to fine upstanding citizens like them.

- Badtux the Cynical Penguin

Monday, February 07, 2005

We are all going to Hell

Says Jesus Christ:

Matthew 25:41-45 41 "Then he will say to those on his left, `Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' 44"They also will answer, `Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' 45"He will reply, `I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

Says the United States of America:

-- The president would make an 11.5 percent reduction in funding for the Department of Housing and Urban Development, squeeze $45 billion in savings from the Medicaid health program for the poor, and cut community development programs by 4.5 percent.

Says Jesus Christ:

Matthew 7: 15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. 20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

The fruits we as a nation are casting down upon our poor and distressed are bitter indeed.

- Badtux the Apocalyptic Penguin

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Oh the horror!

In other news: SpongeBob wins election in Iraq. Middle East expert Juan Cole said he was not surprised at the result. "If the world's most powerful nation can elect an ignorant illiterate wanna-be cowboy then why can't the Iraqi people be led by a yellow Sponge with Square pants?" Dr. Cole went on to say, "Sponge Bob has an excellent chance to salvage the nation of Iraq. With his universal appeal and the diplomatic strength of Patrick, I think they can succeed where the Bush team and Iyad Allawi have failed."

The Bush administration is responding by declaring SpongeBob an enemy combatant.

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin