Welcome to National Pee Your Pants Day

Today is a national holiday where everybody pees their pants on command while chanting "Save me, oh kindly Big Brother!". We are supposed to either cower in terror that Zombie Dead Osama is coming to get us, or we're supposed to go grab our guns and go kill a darkie for Jeeeezus! The television airwaves today will be filled with death porn commemorating the murder of a couple thousand people in New York City and a few hundred elsewhere with Important People solemnly intoning "we shall never forget". The question of *what* we shall "never forget" is never asked. We've certainly forgotten the names and faces of those who died on September 11, 2001, after all. Well, unless you're one of those who lost a friend or relative in the attack, but folks who lost a friend or relative in the attack aren't one of the Important People who will be intoning "we shall never forget", they'll be someplace private where they can avoid all the death porn.

And let's not even think about all the hundreds of thousands of deaths of innocent civilians and not-so-innocent soldiers (both American and otherwise) that were "justified" by the fact that "them darkies attacked us!" (for any random darkies that had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks, such as Iraqis, the Taliban, and so forth), or the loss of civil liberties where you now must accede to an anal probe and carry an internal passport oops "government-issued ID" if you want to travel more than a few hundred miles from your home or even vote in many states (gosh , just like the Soviet Union!), or any of that. No no, this is a solemn day, where we worship death while whipping out our big swinging dicks and, like, jizzin' *all over*, not just on our own country, but in random other places overseas where we swing our dicks and jizz all over'em just because, well, because we can.

So it goes. It's enough to drive a penguin to the sauce. Herring sauce, that is.

-- Badtux the Rude Penguin

A wonderful opportunity

We should just re-post Jonathan Schwartz's damning indictment of the so-called "leaders" of the hairless monkeys that infest this planet on every anniversary of 9/11. He said all that needed to be said. You might think that the following photo, of a now-orphaned girl who just had her family slaughtered before her very eyes by U.S. soldiers jumpy about suicide bombers, as a tragedy: But that is because you are a follower, not a leader. You are the ruled, not the ruler. To the deranged sociopaths who are the rulers of the hairless monkeys infesting this planet, this is an enormous opportunity. The money quote:

For normal people, it's an unmitigated tragedy when their fellow citizens are killed in terrorist attacks or wars. Normal people cry, become afraid, and think of children who now have no parents and parents who now have no children.

For our would-be "leaders," however—in every country—the situation is different. Of course, they pretend to feel the same as normal people. They give teary-eyed speeches about sorrow and suffering.

And yet, behind their tears, there seems to be something else. When they think no one is looking, you glimpse another expression flitting across their face. You think it couldn't be. But—yes, incredibly enough, they're smiling. Because before the bodies are cold, before the mothers have stopped shrieking, our leaders are thinking:

This is really a FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY. And for them it is. It's an opportunity for them to do whatever they wanted to do before, but couldn't get away with. It's an opportunity for them to smear anyone who criticizes them as disloyal. It's an opportunity for them to become much more powerful than they ever could be in peacetime. Leaders love war. That's why there's so much of it.

Will the sheeple look up? Probably not. They never have before, after all. It is the very nature of a monkey to blindly follow its alpha male and hoot and howl and throw feces at monkeys from other troops of monkeys. Expecting more of the hairless monkeys called "humans" is futile. Sadly, a penguin in a time of chimpanzees is doomed to disappointment.

- Badtux the un-snarky Penguin

Never forget

When the towers were burning... when the country cried out for leadership... George W. Bush did not jump into action and get on his phone to the CIA, FBI, NSA, etc. to find out what was going on and direct the response. Instead, he sat and stared into the distance, waiting for his handlers to tell him what to do. Not for one minute. Or two minutes. Or three minutes. Or even four minutes. For *SEVEN* minutes, that we have on tape (maybe more that wasn't on tape). What a brave war hero Dear Leader is...

Meanwhile, Osama bin Laden, mass murderer of over 2,000 Americans, is still free. What a miserable failure this "man" is...

-- Badtux the Memory Penguin

The more things change...

A little over 40 years ago today, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. was scheduled to preach at a small black church in Shreveport, Louisiana. As the Rev. Harry Blake revved up the congregation from the pulpit, suddenly the front doors of the church were burst open by a battering ram and Shreveport police officers marched in and started whipping the congregation with their batons as police dogs snarled. Black men and women in their Sunday best climbed over each other to get away from the whipping batons and snarling teeth. The Rev. Blake thundered from the pulpit, "How dare you defile a house of God! Are you servants of Satan?" At that point Public Safety Commissioner George D'Artois, a Mafioso who had been elected year after year to "keep the niggers down", rode his white horse up the aisle of that church and directed two of his officers to pistol-whip the Rev. Blake. They did so, within an inch of his life, inflicting permanent injuries that would be with him for the rest of his life. D'Artois then turned to the congregation and announced, "There ain't gonna be no meeting with no commie nigger outside agitator in my city. Go home."

People ask me if I'm afraid of Osama bin Laden. No. Osama is a two-bit dipshit hiding in a cave in Pakistan. He got lucky once, but won't get lucky again now that Americans know what he's up to. Misters Smith and Wesson will make sure of that, if any of his minions show up on this shore they are toast. What I am afraid of is a militarized police force which views the population that supposedly hires them as "the enemy", which will happily beat down a black pastor in the pulpit of his church or in the halls of Congress until it takes an ambulance to haul him off, which would happily enforce martial law against "terrorists" if so ordered by their superiors. What I am afraid of is a "free" press which proudly proclaims "Negro riot broken up by Shreveport City Police!" or "Black preacher assaults police officer!" (yeah, he assaulted the belly of the police officer with his broken leg when the police officer jumped on it, yssiree"). What I am afraid of is a population that, by and large, really doesn't care about whether they live in a democracy or in a fascist dictatorship as long as they can continue to go shopping. What I am afraid of, in other words, are the enemies of democracy who are already here and have been here for as long as I've been alive, not some dipshit in Pakistan who would get shot dead if he ever dared set foot on American soil. I have met the real enemy of America, and it is us.

-- Badtux the History Penguin

Conspiracy theory

I happened onto a "911 truth" website, and promptly found out that it was an A-3 Skywarrior ("Whale") that crashed into the Pentagon on 9/11, not a 757 airliner. This A-3 Skywarrior apparently flew off the carrior U.S.S. George Washington, which was docked in New York Harbor on 9/11.

Where to start, where to start... okay. First of all, the A-3 was retired in 1991. There are none in military service. Secondly, this is a big-ass plane. Its nick-name was "Whale", because it was the biggest plane to ever be flown off a carrier flight deck. If one of them got pulled out of retirement, rehabilitated, and put onto a carrier, someone would have noticed. I mean, we're talking *big*. The damned thing weighs 38,000 pounds *without* fuel and bombs, it's twice the size of any current jet that flies off a carrier deck, you don't hide something that big! Thirdly, flying an unmanned "drone" off the flight deck of an aircraft carrier ain't happenin', and because the A-3 has no ejection seats (and no way to retrofit any due to the cockpit design), it's unlikely that any pilot would volunteer to fly a kamakazi mission. Finally, it takes dozens of people to launch a jet plane off the deck of an aircraft carrier. You can't launch a jet plane in secret. It has to be fueled, the deck crew has to guide it to the end of the runway and hook up the catapault hooks, the operations crew has to clear a flight path... you just can't hide it, and if there was a conspiracy of this size, someone would have leaked by now.

Which brings up what Karl Rove O'Brien called the Conspiracy Theory Conspiracy. That is, that whack conspiracy theories of this sort are generated as "black ops" by U.S. intelligence agencies (See: COINTELPRO) in order to hide the fact that there are real conspiracies out there. 25% of the world's prisoners are in the United States, despite the U.S. having only 5% of the world's population. We are swiftly becoming a prison state where an astounding 10% of adult males of some minority groups are imprisoned in the American Gulag, a vast decentralized system of county jails, state prisons, and federal penitentaries that is the fastest-growing industry in America today. There are currently eight million people caught in the claws of the American Gulag. How did this happen? Who is responsible for this? Alas, if I start speculating, I am merely putting forward a "conspiracy theory" -- which, thanks to the Conspiracy Theory Conspiracy, means it's automatically discredited.

-- Badtux the Conspiracy Penguin