A real American's manifesto

I am an American. I am an American from back when that meant something, back when America was the land of the free and the home of the brave. Here is my manifesto:

1. Real Americans don't cringe in fear. If you try to scare me into giving up essential liberties because of some swarthy fellers in the middle east, you ain't a real American. You're just a pussy wimp who ain't fit to lick George Washington's petrified dick.
2. Real Americans know that real men don't hit first. Hitting first is the mark of a coward or a bully. A real man doesn't go in and beat the shit out of other folks just because those other folks might, at some time in the future, somehow be a threat. Those of you who still support going in and beating the shit out of Iraq and the Iraqi people for the audacity of not sucking George W. Bush's dick aren't real Americans, you're just a bunch of cowards and bullies not fit to lick Benjamin Franklin's petrified dick. Same deal with those of you now rumbling about Syria and Iran. They haven't done shit to America (other than take over our embassy once they'd reassembled the shredded notes of our military attache' and found out that the orders for the Shah's men to open fire on unarmed college students, killing over 15,000 unarmed demonstrators altogether, had come from Washington D.C.). These folks haven't attacked America. Leave'em alone.
3. Real Americans don't let some furriners come in and tell'em what to think and what to believe. If you watch Fox News or read the Washington Times or New York Post, you aren't a real American. You're a dupe of foreign interests (these are all owned by foreigners who directly tell their reporters how to slant their news, despite all the flag waving in their pages).
4. Real Americans know that a man's first right is for other folks to just leave him the shit alone. If an American ain't doin' nothin' to hurt other folks, just *BUTT OUT*. We don't need no freakin' nanny state tellin' us what sexual acts gays can do in their homes or whether our daughters can get abortions or not, whether our children should say prayers in school or not, or what substances we can inhale, ingest, or inject. It ain't nobody's business except the fool doing that shit. If a man wants to kill himself by injecting heroin into his veins or riding a motorcycle without a helmet, that ain't no business of nobody except that man and whatever god(s) he worships. If you support things like the War on Drugs and telling women what they can do to their bodies, you aren't a real American. You're just some hag busy-body pretending to be a real American, and ain't fit to lick Thomas Jefferson's petrified dick.
5. Real Americans don't believe anything they read or hear on the radio or see on the TV news unless they've personally witnessed whatever is being reported upon. Failing that, if lots of different sources from various ideological viewpoints seem to agree on the facts, it might be true... but real Americans know that seeing is believing, and a buncha hot air and BS in the paper or on the airwaves ain't the same as seeing. If you go around reciting talking points that you heard on the radio, you aren't a real American. You're just an ignorant asshole trying to be self-important, and ain't fit to lick Patrick Henry's petrified dick.
6. Real Americans are ornery. They don't march lock-step. They don't believe stuff just 'cause a lot of other folks believe stuff. If you march lock-step, if you believe stuff because Rush told it to ya and so it must be true, if you think a certain way 'cause Paul Harvey told you that's how you're supposed to think, you ain't a real American. You're just an ignorant brownshirt sucking someone else's intellectual dick, and ain't fit to lick Samuel Adams's petrified dick.
7. Real Americans don't say "the problem can't be fixed". Real Americans can fix anything. Go to the moon in under eight years? No problem! Build a highway system that connects everywhere with everywhere? Just money! Beat a major scientific and industrial power (Germany) at the same time as fighting a war against a minor industrial power (Japan) both of whom controlled close to 20% of the world's land surface and resources at their maximum extent? Child's play, accomplished in less than four years! Real Americans don't say "health care can't be provided to all Americans" or "we can't eliminate poverty" or "we can't have enough good-paying jobs for all Americans." Real Americans say "How can we do it?" then once they figure it out, do it. If you're one of those "can't-do" fellers, you ain't no real American. What you is, is some kinda pussy wimp who ain't got the balls that God gave a hamster, and you ain't fit to lick FDR's petrified dick.

More to come...

- Badtux the Patriotic American Penguin