Sunday, April 01, 2012

A big announcement

Due to that big discussion with the beer-chuggin' weapon-strokin' dimwits over at 'Nucks place, I've decided that I need a more sustainable lifestyle if I want to survive the coming collapse of the United States. No, I haven't decided to move to a bunker in Idaho and collect weapons. That's just stupidity. Survival in the face of societal collapse requires two things: Cooperation, and community. Neither of those can happen if I'm sitting in a bunker in Idaho. Instead, I have a better plan, stolen from survivalist Dean Ing: Move to a mid-sized town, join a church, start a business, become a member of the Chamber of Commerce, become a pillar of the community, and then bang, you instantly are tied into a network that possesses far more guns and far more ability to marshall and concentrate resources than any individual survivalist can ever hope to bring to bear. The local National Guard armory is at your beck and call, the local constabulary is ready to help defend you against gun-stroking morons like those bunker-dwelling troglodytes, about the only thing that could crush your little town would be a major military movement by former units of the U.S. Army and let's face it, you're no worse off in that case than you'd be anywhere else.

So anyhow, the town in question needs to be in an agricultural area so it can be self-sustaining, and needs to be far enough from a metropolitan area that it won't be overrun when civilization collapses, but close enough and with good enough transportation that I can sustain myself between now and the collapse. And the church needs to be well organized and powerful. So I've made my decision and started on the process (what, you thought the relative silence over the past week was because I was busy at work?!). I have converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and have put down a down payment to buy Delta Motorsports, in Delta, Utah, from its long-time owner Jim Townshend who is retiring. I will be closing down this blog with all its evil hedonistic content as soon as the final paperwork is signed.

You are all going to Hell, by the way. Except my two Mormon readers. You know who you are, and thank you for all your kind words when I let you know my decision.

-- Badtux the Mormon Penguin


  1. But you don't need to be a Mormon to know everyone else is going to Hell. Just watch South Park.

  2. And a Merry Happy April Fool's day to you also.

  3. Welcome to post constitutional America may be a future headline. April fools or not your point was pretty well taken about moving to some small Utah town. And being a mormon isn't a big deal, most of them just pretend to be while running around in their Jeeps.

  4. I lived in a small Utah town for four years, it was great, I should have stayed there.

  5. I will be closing down this blog with all its evil hedonistic content as soon as the final paperwork is signed.

    F**K YEAH! Burn the mother f**ker down! Anarchy! Anarchy!

    Wait, April what?

  6. ROFL! C'mon, Tux, a good April Fool's joke is more believable that that. You'd survive exactly one church meeting -- maybe.

    When he's fiddling with code for work or playing with his coin business, Husband often has TV on in the background and he likes to watch some "Preppers" show where they profile people preparing for some apocalypse. A constant thread runs through the attitudes of the people on the show: "I'm gonna protect my family and my food and water sources -- preferably with serious ammo -- and everybody else can go to hell." But as Husband notes, the only relative security in a true apocalypse is cooperation among the survivors.

    In fact, in once recent show they profiled a "Prepper" whose wife thinks he's nuts. *She* survived the Khmer Rouge, and believes in cooperation among survivors.

    The Mormons will make it even if nobody else does.

  7. First of all, there's more than a little truth in the fact that the course of action that I advise for survivalists is the one that gives them the best chance of surviving, not all that lone dude with arsenal crap. It really does take a village to create all the stuff needed for long-term survival, to raise the food, to spin the clay pots or weave the baskets, and, most importantly, to grow and/or kill a wide enough variety of food for survival. My grandparents may have survived the Great Depression by being subsistence farmers, but they were subsistence farmers who bartered what they grew with *other* subsistence farmers to get a wide enough variety of meats, fruits, vegetables, grains, and sweeteners to make life reasonable. The person who spends a lot of time tending honeybees may have difficulty growing enough food himself to feed himself, but he will decidedly not go hungry in a world where bee's wax is the primary sealant for canning pots and a taste for sweets can only be satisfied by bee's honey.

    I deliberately left a few too many clues in the post -- I wouldn't want you think I was *really* converting to Mormonism, after all! -- but if I had to convert to Mormonism to survive... well of course I would. I'd just keep my mouth shut and try to stay at the back of the room as much as possible. You'd be surprised what people can do if it's necessary to survive. BBC suspects that a lot of Mormons don't really believe in it, they're more Mormons of convenience than of conviction. He may actually be right about that...

    - Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin

  8. Dang, sorry I missed this yesterday, good one BT, lol

  9. "You'd be surprised what people can do if it's necessary to survive." And that's how religion made it out of the Bronze Age. And through the Dark Ages. And right through to today.

    Religion just had to make sure people knew that was their option. Fake it, and pass it on to your kids, or die.

  10. Sorry I'm late.

    You're making a Bad choice. You should pick one of the small communities near Midland, MI.

    Or go whole hog and move to Zeeland - a suburb of Holland, on the W coast of MI. Santorum country, Dutch reform church, reasonably solid local industry, and they always lead the state in out-of-wedlock pregnancies per capita.

    Heaven on earth, by some standards.


  11. JzB, the day I consider Michigan to be Heaven on Earth is the day that I lose my marbles entirely. I'm one of those rare *warm weather* penguins ;).

    - Badtux the Snarky Desert Penguin


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