Tuesday, September 27, 2005

In a smoky room, pots discuss the color of kettles

The Chief hobbles into the room, looking like death warmed over. But then, he always looks like death warmed over, so nobody really notices except Turdblossom, who points and laughs. The Chief glares. "You wouldn't laugh if it was your own legs that had waterhoses run down them."

Georgie looks up from his comic book. "Howdie, chief!", he says. "What's up?"

"We got a problem," the Chief says. "That uppity bitch down in Louisiana wants a ton of money to rebuild her state. That's my money, dammit!"

"Err, technically it's China's money," says the Money Man. "We're just borrowing it for a while."

"Yeah? Once it gets in my pockets it's my money! And my friends at Bechtel and Flour are complaining too. How dare this woman say that Louisianians should decide how to rebuild Louisiana!"

Turdblossom looks thoughtful, his piggish cheeks scrunched up like an elderly lady's wrinkled breasts. "What kind of dirt can we make up on these guys?" he asks. "Surely Louisiana has a reputation for something, right?"

Skeltor laughs, a hollow, empty sound, like the sound of souls dying in despair at the bottom of a cavern of nothingness. "Yeah, they have a reputation for electing flamboyant crooks."

The Chief strikes up a fine Cuban cigar. Georgie looks up from his comic book again. "Stop that!" Georgie says. "Cigar smoke is bad for my heart rate! Did you know my heart rate is 53?"

"Shut up, Georgie," says the Chief.

"You can't tell me to shut up, I'm the Preznit of the United States!"

The Chief sneers, and says "Go fuck yourself."

Turdblossom is rapidly pounding away on the keyboard of his laptop. "I got it," he said. "I found a story about a city official who is taking supplies from the FEMA depot to various shelters. The police chief of that town hates his guts. Let's have him arrested for stealing relief supplies." Turdblossom smiles, his flabby jowls bouncing with glee as he nods. "Hold on a moment while I plant a story with Hindrocket about how the whole parish council in Jefferson Parish is stealing relief supplies... There you have it! We just call'em all too crooked to trust with money!"

The Chief smiles. "As vs. fine upstanding folks like Halliburton, who, of course, are totally trustworthy. I like it!"

Guffaws arise from around the room. Turdblossom's man tits are jouncing all over the place as he fights for breath. Skeltor smiles, causing a rose in a vase on the mantelpiece to droop over and its petals turn black and fall off.

"I like it," Skeltor says. "Us. Accuse Louisianians of being too corrupt to handle the rebuilding contracts. I like it!"

The Chief smiles. "So when do we do it?"

"Already done," Turdblossom says. "Already done. The moment it hit Hindrocket's site, five hundred of our bloggers picked it up. Within a few hours, our paid columnists will be planting columns about how corrupt Louisiana government is, using our bloggers as their source. It's a slam dunk!"

"I'm tired of Batman," Georgie says. "And my milk tastes funny, and why is it all yellowy and foamy? Can I have another comic book?"

"Shut up, Georgie," the Chief says, and hands him another comic book.

-- Badtux the Fly-on-the-wall Penguin

1 comment:

  1. careful you don't get swatted off the wall.


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