Projection of the Coultergeist

So I was visitin' family back home, and talkin' to my cousin Bubba the Southern Penguin, who was bemoaning how his old cat-killin' buddy Bill Frist just couldn't get enough cats what with the problems the Republicans in Congress were having and how Bill kept showing up at his doorway waving his scalpels around and saying "Cats! I need more cats!" and then suddenly Bubba stopped and looked at the top of my head real close.

So of course I look up, and I don't see nothing there -- no spider, no mistletoe, no nothing -- and I say "What?"

"Just lookin fer the horns," Bubba tells me.

"Horns?"

"Yessiree. You liberals is all supposed to have horns. And worship, like, some funny religion."

"Dammit, Bubba. You know darn well I do worship service at First Baptist Church just like you when I'm in town. What'n hell is funny 'bout that?!"

"That ain't what this here book by Ann Coulter sez," Bubba says, looking around for it until he sees it sitting on a pile of dirty laundry. Darlene's been on strike ever since Bubba was caught with his pecker in that waitress's, well, gas tank, and apparently Bubba hasn't figured out how to operate the washing machine yet.

So he fetches the book and opens it up for me. "Looky here," he says. "It says that you liberals have a holy sacrament called 'abortion'. And a holy book called 'Roe v Wade'."

"Dammit, Bubba, the only holy book I have is this here Bible." I pull my handy Pocket New Testament out of my jacket pocket and thump it. "Seems to me that this here woman is bearin' false witness. That's the 9th Commandment, by the way, in case you done forgot. Exodus 20:16. 'Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.' This here Coulter person must not be a Christian."

"Is too! She sez it's you that ain't no Christian! She says you worship in public schools and that your priests is public school teachers and that you forbid prayer 'n stuff!"

"How'n hell can I be worshippin' in a public school if I'm right down there at First Baptist Church alongside you listening to Brother Gainey, Bubba? I ain't never heard nuthin' so silly in my entire life. Gimme that book." I yanked it out of his hands and flipped it to a random page. "Say what? Liberals don't worship God or believe in the Bible? Lord, Lord, Lord, this woman is goin' to Hell ten times over. You don't mess with them Commandments, nosiree!"

"But she's a good Christian person and you're not!"

"When you ever seen this Ann Coulter person in church, Bubba? You seen me in church just last Sunday! Who you gonna believe, some skanky broad you ain't never seen, or your own lyin' eyes?!"

Bubba looked confused. "But... but... it's right there in black and white written in a book!"

"Lemme tell ya about this little thing called a 'lie'. See, there's folks who... now, don't ya faint on me now... say things that AIN'T TRUE. They lie. And they lie in writin', too!"

"Are you ... no! Can't be!" Bubba was pretty much bubblin' over. Smoke was comin' out of his ears, his eyes were rollin' in his head, and any minute I expected his head to start spinnin' around like that poor girl in that movie "The Exorcist".

I looked through the book some more. "Hmm. Lemme get this straight. This broad has only one God -- the Almighty Dollar. She has only one church -- her local bank. She has only one commandment -- I got mine and fuck you. She violates the one commandment that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ told us to always keep, which is to love thy neighbor as thyself, whether thy neighbor be black, white, Jewish, or Arab. She says we ought to invade other nations when Matthew 5:38-42 says we ought to be turning the other cheek. She says we ought to be doin' the death penalty more when Romans 12:19 says revenge is un-Christian and that we ought to leave that whole vengeance thing to God. Then there's that whole 9th Commandment thing. Bubba, I hate to say it, but we need to be a prayin' for this poor lady's soul. Because unless she accepts Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Savior and allows Him into her life to guide her in all she does, she's going to burn in the fiery furnaces of Hell for eternity."

Bubba looked awe-stricken. "You mean... you mean she claims to be a Christian, she claims to be saved, but she really isn't? How... how can a person lie like that? How?!"

"I don't know, Bubba, but we got to pray for this poor woman. I'll go first. Dear Lord, I call on you to have mercy upon this poor woman's soul. Open her eyes to Your love. Please, dear Lord, help lead her from her worship of the graven images of American Presidents to Your loving arms. Lead her away from her message of hate and envy to Your message of love and understanding. Dear Lord, help her to know that Your Kingdom is not an earthly one, and that her life should be filled with doing the Lord's work, not that of the God of Monkey. I pray for your mercy for this woman's soul, in Jesus name I pray, Amen."

"That was right purty," Bubba said. "I thought you liberals wasn't supposed to pray like that? I thought you was supposed to, like, recite Roe v Wade or somethin?"

"Ain't so, Bubba. Now it's your turn."

"All right. Lord, I ain't no genius like my cousin there. I ain't so good with words 'n' stuff. But Lord, I guess I'm gonna ask ya ta help bring your light to this woman's life too. Help her see that lyin' on folks ain't no way to live and foolin' folks fer money ain't no way to get to Heaven. In Jesus name I pray, Amen."

"I guess that's it, then," I said, putting the book aside. "Now let's see, where was we? Oh yeah, Bill Frist's cats..."

So we just kinda pal'ed around a bit, until it was time for me to head home to my iceberg on the coast. I suppose Jesus could have heard our prayers. But if so, He sure is takin' his time about it, 'cause last I heard, Ann Coulter ain't quit her un-Christian ways and come to Jesus, no matter how many times she recites His name.

Guess that means it's time for more prayers. But Lord, can't you hurry up a bit? I'm tired of prayin' for this poor scrawny lady's soul all the time!

-- Badtux the Christian Penguin