Friday, July 22, 2005

It's the piss that counts

In today's America, employers don't care about your performance when deciding whether to retain or fire you. Your performance is irrelevant. I mean, c'mon, really, you expect a manager to keep track of how well her subordinates are performing? Get real! Managers have more important things to do, like kissing their boss's ass, playing golf with potential new employers, and figuring out ways to knife other managers in the back in order to snatch juicy projects out of other people's departments into their own. Fire someone for being a poor performer? Why, that'd reduce headcount, and thus the department budget!

So how do managers decide whether to retain or fire someone? Well, that's simple: It's all in the piss. You gotta piss upon demand, or you're fired, even if you're 79 years old and got a bad prostate and you have no freakin' idea who this goofy woman is who's demanding that you piss upon demand for her. And you can't just piss on demand. It has to be the right *kind* of piss. Pure, yellow piss, uncontaminated by anything that might be, like, *fun*. Because in today's America, that "fun" stuff is just plain unpatriotic. We must all look as dour as the family of the new Supreme Court nominee, Bob Roberts, or the terrorists have won!

So remember, boys and girls. In corporate America, it doesn't matter if you're the bestest, most greatest employee ever. What matters is one thing, and one thing only: your piss. It's your kidneys, not your performance, that counts!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin


  1. I look at the piss test and I see the collective guilt of all those hippies-turned-yuppies made manifest. They spent a great deal of the 60s and 70s getting blasted out of their gourds for pleasure. In the 80s and 90s they started running their own businesses, and you had to pee in a cup before they'd let you work for them. As a Gen Xer, this, well, pissed me off -- my way of thinking at the time: I had nothing to do with their hippe heyday because I was born during it, and now they're suspicious of me? Assholes.

    But then a friend called me up one day, said he just had an interview with a big-name company that went very well, and would I please pee in a cup for him, since I was the only one he knew for sure who didn't smoke pot or do any other illicit drugs? I agreed instantly, and he subsequently got the job.

    Sometimes, BadTux, revenge is best served at body temperature...

  2. These days you can beat any piss test, all you have to do is buy a kit from any health food or supplement store. Or drink a bunch of diuretic tea.


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