Wednesday, July 13, 2005

How to fill the ranks of the Army

Recruiting is still down, down, down. This cannot be allowed to continue, because it will affect Dear Leader's plan to annex Iran's oilfields to our new Iraqi oilfields! I already made one proposal to fill the ranks of the U.S. Army -- raise the enlistment age and require that senior citizens between the ages of 61 and 71 serve if they wish to receive Social Security -- but apparently the image of the 101st Fighting Geriatric Division, shuffling along in their spiffy uniform of fuzzy slippers and bathrobes, was just too much for our Dear Leader's brave men (and token women).

Thus a new proposal: Let Ronald Reagan light the way. See, when the Great Father was elected President, our Army was in a horrible state. That big meaney Jimmy Carter had cut it down to almost as small as it is today. But our brave Great Father Reagan knew we needed 20 divisions in arms in order to take on them godless Commies. now, how can you recruit 20 divisions worth of soldiers if you're barely recruiting enough to staff 12 divisions worth of soldiers?

Well, our Great Father knew how to do this: Simply *DESTROY THE ECONOMY!*. Yessiree, during our Great Father Reagan's time in office, U.S. manufacturing went from being over 22% of the U.S. economy to being only 15% of the U.S. economy (it's 11% today). Where did those extra 7% of workers go? Why, we recruited the cream of the crop into the U.S. Army!

So how is our glorious Dear Leader going to top this? Well, I suggest that he destroy *another* industry. Let's say, health insurance. All he has to do is extend Medicare to all Americans not just old wrinkled prune Americans, and think of all the insurance examiners, acturials, call center workers, etc. that would be put out of work! A *huge* pool of workers, my friend, just ripe for the picking, albeit somewhat flabby compared to the industrial workers that Great Father Reagan put out of business.

So there we are, a picture-perfect plan for meeting recruiting goals! So who's going to present it to Dear Leader?

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin


  1. The push fopr mandatory armed service time for all people exiting highschool has been mentioned and isn't really that bad an idea. They'll get trained. Learn responsibility, and some of them will even die, making room for new people to fill the vacancies.

    The circular logic is perfect.


  2. Great idea on retirees! I'm looking forward to twin RPGs mounted on my walker! Up-armored of course.

  3. Sounds like the classic Dead Kennedies "song" "Kinky Sex Makes the World Go 'Round. Dead Economy=War.


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