Friday, August 04, 2006

A penguin's recipe for peace on Earth

Why is the Middle East always such a mess, this penguin wonders? Personally, I think it's simple: the problem is religion. Specifically, the particular deity that everybody in that area worships.

The problem is that everybody in that area worships a great sky demon, rather than a penguin. Said great sky demon has a nasty habit of destroying cities with fire, turning people into salt pillars, killing the first-born children of entire nations, ordering one sect of His followers to kill all the members of another sect of His followers, that kind of thing. Nasty fellow. Whereas if they worshipped a penguin, then they'd worship something with a habit of eating herring and sitting around watching the sky, whose most strenuous activity is marching 50 miles for sex. And let's face it, if you're marching 50 miles for sex, you don't have a lot of energy left for making war on others.

Anyhow, that's how this penguin sees it. What we need is herring. Lots of herring. And ice skating rinks. That's my recipe for world peace -- herring and ice-skating rinks. I think that if everybody ate herring for lunch and spent their afternoons satiated and blissful, then spent their evenings twirling on the ice, then they would never decide that hey, they deserve this particular chunk of land more than that other sect.

Of course, Tuxology does have its own schisms, the most dire of which are the Rawists vs. the Kipperists, so it may be that Tuxology eventually joins the rank of full-fledged religions, complete with holy wars and attempts at genocide. But somehow I doubt it. Worshipping a penguin just doesn't arouse the same kind of martial spirits as a Great Sky Demon does.

-- Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin

13 comments:

  1. Dammit! I already thawed the chicken...

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  2. I thought that in my lifetime I would have to go through all this crazy bullshit only once. The only thing that was learned by the Establishment from Vietnam was don't have a draft. Then the chickenhawks will whine.

    I remember when we all hoped to escape; this was on the radio when we would be at the drive-in waiting for the movie to start. The National Guard had already defended Kent State: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1NInGh60ZQ

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  3. This is a better video. Fuck Murka. I've spent my whole life fighting the assholes.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DX-yDColyO4

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  4. Please tell me that this will be a weekly serial on the benefits of becoming a Tuxologist.

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  5. Penguins are not punched out pacifists.
    See Linus Torvald on why he chose penguins as the emblem of Linux.

    -- ml

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  6. As to your post subject of “A penguin in a kingdom of swine”, move to my area, lets start our own spiritual movement here in this beautiful life giving area with enough people like us and encourage the others to leave. I moved here after a powerful dream nine years ago and it’s been a strange journey.

    But this place will still be here when much of the rest of the world is not more than a wasteland, and those that are here can start over again. BBC

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  7. World Peace. (sort of)

    Take 4 pounds of peas and put them in a blender. Turn on high for 1 minute.

    You'll then have Whirled Peas.

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  8. I'd try Tuxology out, but I only eat fish when I have to. Never much cared for it, really. And eating it raw? Forget it. Not gonna do that.

    I did effectively swear off fast food burgers and fries, tho. Surely that counts for something...

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  9. Religion might be one excuse for all of the conflict going on in the world, but I think the underlaying reason has more to do with resource limitations. Why are the Isarelis fighting with the Palestinians over the same piece of land? Because there is a limited amount of land, and everyone wants a piece. Why are the Pakistanis fighting against the Indians? Because they both want the Kashmir valley. Why are the Americans fighting the Iraqis? Because they both want control of the (limited) oil. :-(

    And, the bad news is that resource limitation problems are only going to get worse. :-(

    As for herrings, I'm afraid it's only going to be salads for me for the next few months, until I drop 30 pounds. :-(

    Dave

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  10. Well, you have one religion that claims that their Great Sky Demon has granted them one particular plot of land (not a particularly great plot of land, I might add -- the thing sits right in the middle of the usual invasion route between Egypt and the Middle East so has had invaders traipsing across it back and forth for over 4,000 years now, and it's mostly rocky desert). And you have another religion that claims that their Great Sky Demon has annointed them as the only true believers in the Great Sky Demon and that all other people are infidels who need to be converted or discriminated against. If all of these people worshipped a penguin, do you REALLY think they would be fighting over a stupid rocky barren plot of land? Not hardly! It's only because they worship an invisible sky demon that they do such stupid things.

    Yes, I know about resource wars. But again, resource wars often have a religious component. The United States went to war to steal Iraq's oil, for example, because the right-wing worshippers of the Invisible Sky Demon believe their demon has granted them the right to pillage other people's resources because said demon has made them its chosen people (man, how many different peoples has this demon "chosen"? And why don't they get the picture that the demon is playing them off against each other for its own entertainment?!). If they worshipped a penguin, do you really think they'd have the sense of entitlement that would motivate them to go off and steal other people's oil?

    Finally: Watch it on that lettuce thing. Most people make the mistake, when they go on a diet, of not getting enough protein. The result is loss of muscle mass, reducing the calorie requirements of the body and thereby making it harder to lose fat. Herring is very high in protein. Two servings of herring will get you 80 grams of protein, which is enough to maintain muscle mass of a 160 pound man (if 160 pounds is your "natural" weight with normal musculature and minimal body fat). Low-protein diets simply are not compatible with losing weight, because of their dire effect upon muscle mass. If, for example, you're aiming for an 1100 calorie diet (which'll drop pounds off quite rapidly if you're a normal-sized man), you'll find that you end up at about 1/3rd protein, 1/3rd fat, 1/3rd carbohydrates simply because that's the only way to get enough protein in your diet. Add in some lettuce between meals (with a low-calorie vinegrette) and you won't feel hungry, you'll just drop weight fairly rapidly without the risks of damage to bodily organs that can occur with severely reduced protein.

    So herring (in moderate proportions) is good even if you're on a diet! So Tuxologists have the right idea even for those who are, let us say, penguin-shaped. Who woulda thunk it? :-).

    - Badtux the Formerly-Rotund Penguin

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  11. People who believe stories as truth are the problem. People who believe myth as fact prove to me that insanity is rempant throughout the world.

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  12. without the influence of religion good people are perfectly free to do good; while the bad are free to be bad to the bone. for good people to commit acts of evil, however, requires a religion and a god that tells them that they must do this evil for the sake of good.

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