Friday, August 18, 2006

The downside of worshipping a penguin

I noted before that I wished that all the violent armed people of the world could be put into cages, unarmed, for them to pummel each other mano a mano for as long as they wished and the rest of us be left in peace. This, unfortunately, brings up a real downside of Tuxology: The Great Penguin just isn't much of a deity when it comes to kicking ass, unless you happen to be a herring. Praying to Him to get off His big fat behind and do something other than snooze contentedly as his fat belly digests his last meal of herring on his ice flow in the Great White Paradise has proven to be of little use. Us Tuxologists simply have a deity who, well, prefers snoozing to doing shit.

The Invisible Sky Demon that Christians, Muslims, and Jews worship, on the other hand, is a much more satisfyingly kick-ass deity. C'mon, we're talking about a dude who talks out of a burning bush and Jerry Falwell's fertile imagination, both of which are pretty intense. Whereas the Great Penguin talks out of, well, a dead herring head. Okay, okay, so the Great Penguin more properly squawks out of a dead herring head, let's not quibble details, okay? The Invisible Sky Demon does shit like incinerate cities, turn people into pillars of salt, and heck, one time he even tortured this poor slob named Job and when Job asked him why, he basically said "because I felt like it." The Invisible Sky Demon is definitely no wimp do-nothing deity! The Great Penguin, on the other hand... well, he occasionally waddles, but he doesn't seem to do much. Waddles, eat herring, sleeps... that's about it. Well, and incubate the occasional egg that turns into a universe, but hey, that creation shit is hard work, y'know, and a deity needs His rest, right?

With that in mind, I decided that praying to the Great Penguin to take all these violent evil people and put them into one giant Ultimate Cage Slugfest was a waste of my time. So instead, I decided to pray to the Invisible Sky Demon. Unfortunately, praying to the Invisible Sky Demon hasn't thus far produced any results. Criminals with guns are still roaming around everywhere kicking the shit out of innocents who just want to go about their life in peace. I dunno, maybe the Invisible Sky Demon thought that I was asking for world peas rather than world peace. But even so, I don't see lots of peas either. Well, except at the grocery store.

Perhaps the Invisible Sky Demon is just being stubborn, and needs a bribe. But what do you bribe an Invisible Sky Demon with? I mean, with the Great Penguin it's easy. You bribe Him with herring. In desperation I thought about giving money to the Invisible Sky Demon's representatives on Earth. Like, that Jerry Falwell dude seems to be sufficiently evil to really have a direct line to the Invisible Sky Demon's lair. But Jerry took my money, but refused to carry my message to the Invisible Sky Demon, saying that it was the Invisible Sky Demon's will for a small group of criminals amongst human beings to kill innocents while in the process of squabbling over patches of land that nobody in their right mind would ever want.

I dunno, maybe having a penguin as your deity isn't so bad after all. At least the Great Penguin doesn't desire for humans to kill each other, unlike, apparently, the Invisible Sky Demon. Of course, as a penguin, He doesn't desire much at all except herring and sex, but given the alternative, maybe that's a good thing?

-- Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin


  1. I bow before you oh great Penguin. And your pathetic future eggs. How do Penguin's do it anyway?

    Now..... Get back to work fixing the world being as I've put you in charge of that. :-)

  2. I could bribe the Great Penguin easily -- I don't like eating fish. Couldn't worship It, tho. "Want my herring? No problem. Could you squawk from that great ice floe in the sky about Israel and Hezbollah playing nice from now on? No? Ah well, you can have my herring anyway"...

    Maybe the Sky Demon thought you were asking for whirled peas. I see that bumper sticker two or three times in between penguin mating seasons: "Visualize Whirled Peas." Can you visualize a whirled pea? I can't. I've never even seen a whirled pea. I've seen brown ones and wrinkled ones, and I even saw one that looked like a shrunken and shaved Newt Gingrich head back in '97. Never seen a whirled one -- and every time I try to picture one, I imagine a satellite photo of the planet Venus. Maybe the Sky Demon has the same problem?

    Because Venus is an inferno. It's 800 degrees Fahrenheit out there. In the freakin' shade, mind you. Maybe, mistaking your (and millions of others') requests for whirled peas, He said, "Ho-kay, fine, I'll incinerate you dumb-asses, if that's what you want. Makes me happy. I haven't had that much fun since the days of Lot anyway -- YEEEEHAWWWW! BURN, BABY, BURN!"

    And that, BT, is why I remain an agnostic...

  3. At the rate things are going you little penguins may one day inherit the earth. Human beings seem intent on destroying each other at a faster rate every day.

  4. well,

    i make a great jar of pickled herring and i really like ice cubes and updated kernals.

    maybe we just need another button on the mouse that enables repair functionality.

  5. apropos of nuthin' i have a post up about shooting flintlock rifles which might give folks an idea of how involved a process it is.

  6. You might try stuffing a bottle of Tabasco up the arse of one of those herring.

    Idea #2: Bribe the ISD with spam of a giant penis & the secret of weight loss.


Ground rules: Comments that consist solely of insults, fact-free talking points, are off-topic, or simply spam the same argument over and over will be deleted. The penguin is the only one allowed to be an ass here. All viewpoints, however, are welcomed, even if I disagree vehemently with you.

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