Wednesday, June 07, 2006

President Bush signs up for English lessons

Bush Says Immigrants Must Learn English

New arrivals to this country must adopt American values and learn English, President Bush said Wednesday, pushing anew for his proposal to overhaul immigration rules. He also announced that, starting tomorrow, he will be unavailable for press conferences and other events because he will be busy in remedial English classes.

Amongst the American values that President Bush mentioned in his speech that the new immigrants need to learn and adopt are:

  1. Torture. Far too many of our new potential citizens have an aversion to torturing animals or people. They complain about places like Abu Ghraib where other darkies are taught their proper place in life (i.e., leashed and anally penetrated). Thus a new component of the citizenship test will be the "rod test", where the potential new citizen will be required to beat a child with a rod with sufficient force to raise at least three bruises on the child's fragile body. Arranging an optional second child in a position of anal sodomy with the first child is optional. Bonus points for kicking dogs and pulling cats' tails.
  2. Killing of innocents. Again, too many of these potential American citizens don't embrace our brave American values of killing inn ocent women and children. Why, one or two of them have even suggested that if drafted into our military, they would refuse to bomb or shell homes where women and children may be sleeping! This outright rejection of a cherished American value cannot be tolerated. Therefore, each potential new citizen will be required to pass the "puppy test": he or she will be required to kill a cute fluffy puppy or kitten with his or her bare hands.
  3. Guns. Many of the new immigrants do not own guns, or even profess to be afraid of guns. A new requirement for citizenship will be that each new citizen will be required to show the citizenship examiner his gun, along with a target pattern from a certified shooting range showing that he is capable of hitting what he shoots at. The final step in the test will be that the potential new citizenship will be required to show his willingness to use said gun for its proper purpose by shooting a cute bunny rabbit in the head, then gutting, cooking, and eating the dead carcass. Bonus point for shooting a liberal instead.
  4. Pro-Israeli policies. All true Americans know that the proper purpose of the U.S. government is to defend Israel to the last American. Each potential U.S. citizen will be required to swear an oath of allegiance to the Israeli state as well as to the United States.
  5. Hatred of non-Americans. Each potential new citizen will be required to spend at least one day on border patrol with the National Guard, and will be given bonus points for each non-American that he or she shoots. Children under eight years of age will be excused from this requirement, and will merely be required to join the Bush Youth.
  6. Selfishness. It has come to our attention that some of these wannna-be citizens believe that people should help each other. That is Communism and is wrong. Each potential new citizen will be required to patrol the Arizona desert looking for border crossers dying of thirst. If they find a border crosser, they will be required to watch the border crosser die of thirst. Giving water to said border crosser will be automatic deportation, because it is un-American to help people.
  7. Republican Party membership. All new citizens must sign up to be members of the Republican Party and pledge to vote Republican. The Democratic Party is the Party of Treason, after all.
Once these modest changes to the citizenship test are made, it is expected that our nation will welcome, yes *welcome*, the wave of new immigrants that shall shortly arrive, because they will fit in perfectly, value-wise and belief-wise, with the average citizen of Alabama or Mississippi.

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Not willing to kill this innocent little kitten with your bare hands? Then you're not a real American, mister, and should be shot!


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. You have seriously left me speechless at how much more competent you were on covering this issue.

  3. starting tomorrow, he will be unavailable for press conferences and other events because he will be busy in remedial English classes.

    *chuckle, snarf, heh heh*

    too bad he won't - he really needs 'em.

  4. Every time I think of Bushes policies I just think about his daughters, the libertarian and the democrat.



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