Monday, December 05, 2011

The Apprentice Rebooted

Announcer: Welcome to this new season of The Apprentice! Here to my left is Newt Gingrich.

Newt: Hello peoplesssssss....

Announcer: And here to my right, is the star of our show, the fabulous and famous Donald Trump!

[Much clapping and cheering from audience in response to "Applause" sign lighting over the stage.]

DT: Thank you, thank you, I love you all!

Announcer: We have a very special season of The Apprentice for you. Mr. Newt Gingrich came up with an amazing idea for this season...

[Cut to Newt videotape]

Newt: See, it'll be, like, the last season of The Apprentice. Except this year, it will be ten poor kids!

[Cut to DT videotape]

DT: Amazing idea, my good buddy! So many of these underprivileged children have no idea what it means to work, nobody in their life works after all. What's that, Rosie? Time for my shower? Thank you, take away my bathrobe to the laundry please and make sure my pillow is fluffed the way I like it.

[Cut back to live]

Announcer: And now we'll introduce our first two contestants... Ethan Gonzales and Latasha Washington! Come on out, children!

[Two children, a Hispanic boy and a black girl each of which is approximately ten years old, walk out on the stage. Both are dressed semi-formally, the boy in black sneakers, khaki pants and a white polo shirt, the girl wearing black Mary Janes with white ankle socks and a plaid jumper over a white blouse.]

Announcer: Say hello to our audience, children!

Ethan: Hi! [Waves]

Latasha: Hello! [Smiles and waves.]

Announcer: So tell me, Ethan, how do you feel about being on this exciting television show with the marvelous Mr. Donald Trump?

Ethan: I... I'm honored. I hope to learn everything I can from Mr. Trump and make something of myself!

Announcer: And you, Latasha?

Latasha: I'm happy to be here, Donald Trump is a great man and generous to give me this opportunity and I won't let it go to waste!

Announcer: Alright! That's the attitude! And now for your first assignment...

[A helper brings out a mop bucket and a mop, places the bucket at Ethan's feet, and hands the mop to Ethan.]

Announcer: Your first assignment is to mop the floor in the executive washroom! It's right through that door!

Ethan: Wha... what?

Donald Trump: [Walks out with a big grin on his face]: YOU'RE FIRED!

[Ethan breaks down bawling, and is led off the stage, crying and sniffling. The mop falls to the floor during this process and a helper comes out and picks the mop up, while Donald gloats looking offstage as the crying and sniffling slowly fade into the distance.]

Announcer: And are you ready for your big assignment, Latasha?

[Latasha merely glares at him. The assistant attempts to hand her the mop. She folds her arms in front of her and it merely falls on the floor]

Announcer: You get to mop The Donald's dressing room floor!

Latasha: Like hell. [Turns to Donald] Don't bother firing me, asshole. I'm outta here. [Exits stage left].

[Newt walks out on stage]

Newt: Children these days. They just don't know their place.

DT: Yes. Sad, isn't it? No wonder those children get nowhere in life. They simply don't value hard work!

Announcer: Well after this commercial break we'll bring out our next two contestants here on... Child Apprentice!

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

[Based upon a true story].


  1. Poe's Law migrates from religion to politics.


  2. JzB, you can call this variant The Poe Children's Law...

  3. The bizzarre thing is how these two asshats get any media attention at all after these kind of pronouncements. it doesn't take a bloodhound to connect the dots between this child labor garbage and the push to privatize schools.

    "Can't afford school tuition this fall Latisha? Maybe you should help mommy and daddy out by picking a few strawberries."

    Well commercial berry picking isn't traipsing through grandma's garden with the easter basket. It's brutal, backbreaking work. The farmers pay piece-rates and claim it adds up to minimum wage but frequently that piece rate drops once workers are in the fields.

    I swear to Dog the Republican agenda is nothing more than trying to reverse everything positive since the North's victory in the Civil War.


Ground rules: Comments that consist solely of insults, fact-free talking points, are off-topic, or simply spam the same argument over and over will be deleted. The penguin is the only one allowed to be an ass here. All viewpoints, however, are welcomed, even if I disagree vehemently with you.

WARNING: You are entitled to create your own arguments, but you are NOT entitled to create your own facts. If you spew scientific denialism, or insist that the sky is purple, or otherwise insist that your made-up universe of pink unicorns and cotton candy trees is "real", well -- expect the banhammer.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.