Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Kansas don' need dat dere edumacashion

The Kansas School Board has voted to question the theory of evolution. I applaud their intellectual flexibility -- in the face of facts, they have plucked out superstition! This penguin, however, believes they have not gone far enough in making sure our young morons-in-the-making are protected from those evil "fact" thingies. Here are my new curriculum suggestions for the Kansas School Board:

The Theory of Gravity says that objects fall when you drop them because objects attract each other. However, there are some who say that objects fall because of Intelligent Pushing -- the Flying Spaghetti Monster pushing down on objects with His noodly appendages. Teach the controversy!

The vitamin theory says that human beings need vitamins in order to properly metabolize their foodstuffs and survive. The mush theory says that all anybody needs is cornpone and turnip greens. Teach the controversy!

The heliocentric theory says that the sun is the center of the solar system. The God's Fingers theory says that the earth is the center of the solar system, and it's God's fingers that are whirling the planets around in the complex patterns we see in the sky. Teach the controversy!

The moron theory says that the Kansas School Board is a bunch of Bible-thumping morons who have made their whole state a laughingstock. The genius theory says that the Kansas School Board is a bunch of geniuses who have insured that the young people of Kansas will no longer flee their decrepit flyover state of trailer parks full of losers by making sure that their young people no longer have the scientific education to compete in the real world (the world outside of Kansas). Teach the controversy!

The medicine theory says that modern medicine can cure ills. The Christian Science theory says that all that is needed to cure cancer is prayer. Teach the controversy!

Yes indeed, the Kansas School Board has made a brave new start in making sure that our innocent li'l chilluns is protected from them evil "fact" thingies, but they just don't go far enough. Our chilluns must be protected from them evil "facts" or they might, they might... they might LEARN HOW TO THINK! Oh the horror!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin


  1. On a brighter note.... The Pennsylvania town school board that instructed to have Intelligent Design 'taught' in schools were all voted out of office yesterday. There is hope!!

  2. Kansas is truly getting an Alabaman reputation these days. At the same time, the poll numbers indicate that they aren't terribly far outside of the mainstream, which is the sadder fact.

  3. fantastic as always, but I just wanted to point out one thing..

    it's only a slight majority pulling this bullshit on the kansas school board. The flying spaghetti monster actually has several supporters ON the board, but they can't help being the minority.

  4. They might as well teach kids that Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny are real as well as ID.

    Both are based on as much fact as ID.

  5. Personally, I think the Creationists and Intelligent Design types are onto something here. After all, they both believe fervently that Evolution is incorrect. I submit that their very existence is the best possible evidence against Evolution. Which bring to mind the words of the late, lamented Bill Hicks:

    You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really....unevolved?

  6. Helps on the lost homework thing, tho.

    "But, God took it!"

  7. The only thing crazier than the idea that God created a world of sickness, pain, suffering, and death is the idea that evolution created a world of sickness, pain, suffering, and death. SOMEBODY better learn how to think.

  8. That's the way to tell'em! After all, we Tuxologists all know it was the Great Penguin who created a world full of sickness, pain, suffering, and death! That's right, when He laid the Great Egg that hatched out the universe, His plan was writ therein. But I'm still puzzling over bellybuttons. What, exactly, was His reason for giving human beings belly buttons?!

    Oh, I know that the Pastafarians believe that the Earth, a mountain, and a midget were created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and that the great invisible sky spirit worshipers believe that the world was created by some old dude with a beard and a shepherd's crock, but look, we Tuxologists know the truth. It's all the Great Penguin's plan, truly!


Ground rules: Comments that consist solely of insults, fact-free talking points, are off-topic, or simply spam the same argument over and over will be deleted. The penguin is the only one allowed to be an ass here. All viewpoints, however, are welcomed, even if I disagree vehemently with you.

WARNING: You are entitled to create your own arguments, but you are NOT entitled to create your own facts. If you spew scientific denialism, or insist that the sky is purple, or otherwise insist that your made-up universe of pink unicorns and cotton candy trees is "real", well -- expect the banhammer.

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