Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Stolen snark: Bush nominates can of spam

From the darn, I wish I'd written that department:

(Dateline - Washington, D.C) President George W. Bush made history this morning when, while browsing shelves in the white house pantry for a after-midnight snack, he came upon an undated can of spam and quickly nominated it to serve on the United States Supreme Court. Aides assured media representatives in a hastely called press conference just after sunrise that the can of spam has no skeletons in its closet (actually a low cupboard next to the currently unused dog food storage section) and no ideological agendas.

One astute reporter questioned where the can of spam had been during its shelf life prior to the White House years, but the answer was prefunctory. An unnamed but reliable source in the White House catering office captured the mood in the building with the comment: "Utter lack of qualifications versus utter lack of disqualifying characteristics...What's the difference? Just because this president likes his comfort food doesn't mean he is disdainful of the dinner party."

Quick research by a Washington Post reporter disclosed that the same can of spam was seen on shelves in the Texas Governor's mansion, and that it may have traveled with kitchen crews serving candidate Bush's team during his first presidential campaign. Asked whether this can has ever disagreed with the president's pallet or digestion, the spokesman at first declined comment, but then after suppressing a burp, indicated that no, he was not aware of a single instance when the spam can differed from the president on any subject. He smiled then, and noted with a wink that she (the mentioned can of spam) has a reputation among long-term Bush staffers as a "Yes Can."

If approved by the senate, the newly identified and suddenly famous can of spam will be moved to a shelf in the Supreme Court building basement where she will need to be sequestered from other bland food stuffs regularly used in preparation of cafeteria style lunches for congress persons, court staffers and even the general public. Though the plans are not complete, one likely scenario is that she would be stored in the private area reserved for the Chief Justice's favorite snacks.

-- Badtux the Appreciative Penguin

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