Friday, April 03, 2009

The smell of desperation

I got this email in my inbox this morning. It simply reeks of flop sweat:

From: Michael Steele, RNC Chairman:
Dear Supporter,

When running to become your new Republican National Committee Chairman, I campaigned on a need for responsible change for our Party.

Not a change of our core values, but real change of how we go about listening to our supporters, how we communicate our message to all Americans and how we organize and win elections.

Translation: We know you, our Republican base, are batshit crazy, and don't worry, we're not going to change in any meaningful way, we're going to stay batshit crazy too.

While I'm excited about the challenges and opportunities we face, I have no illusions. I am fully aware of the hard work ahead and obstacles we must overcome to start winning elections again.

Translation: Send us some money! Wah!

But this isn't about me -- I can't do this alone.

It's about you and every Republican grassroots leader who believes in our conservative principles of limited government, economic growth, personal responsibility and a strong national defense.

And it's about empowering you to lead and giving you the tools to help our Party set a new direction for our country.

Successful campaigns cannot be run from a building in Washington. The strength of our Party comes from people like you who believe in our values and ideals and promote them in their communities.

Translation: And oh yea, be our fascist brownshirts if you won't send us money, we got us some of them nasty DEMON-crats to "promote" our ideas to via threats and raising our voices very, very loud!

As one of my first official acts as Chairman, I've commissioned a survey of Republican activists in EVERY state. I want to hear from each of you to understand your thoughts and opinions about our Party and how we can once again be the party of ideas.

Translation: I just don't understand it. Sure, our only solution to any budget problem is "Tax cuts for the rich!", and our "budget" was a sick joke that included pictures like the one on the left in it (actual picture, BTW). Why won't people take our ideas seriously?

That's why I'm asking you to do two very important things for me:

1) Please take a moment right now to fill out online the State of the Republican Party Survey for the RNC. I want you to be honest and candid in your answers -- there's no need to sugar-coat your responses after our Party's performances in the last two elections.
2) And when you complete your survey, please make a secure online contribution of $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to help move our Party forward and elect more Republicans in the 2009 state and 2010 congressional elections.

Translation: We're broke! Maybe if we pretend we're listening to you, you'll give us some money? Please?

If you choose not to participate in this crucial project, the RNC cannot create a campaign plan to educate and mobilize the millions of Republicans we need to resist the liberal agenda Barack Obama and the Pelosi-Reid Democrats are attempting to ram through Congress.

Translation: Socialist! Nigger! Uppity bitch!

Your guidance will also help us develop new strategies for winning the two Governor's races held this year.

The elections in New Jersey and Virginia offer Republicans a chance to demonstrate that we got your message and will help us seize the momentum.

But we cannot lay the groundwork for winning this year and next without your participation in this survey and your active involvement in the RNC.

Translation: Send us money! We're broke, bitches! Or at least serve as our unpaid brownshirts. Please?

So please complete your State of the Republican Party Survey online today and support the RNC's efforts to grow our Party by making a secure contribution of $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25.

Supporter, our Party cannot do this without you. Please take this survey today.

Translation: We'll pretend we're listening to you, just send us money! WAH!


Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee

P.S. As the new Chairman I'm eager to hear your views about what our Party must do better to promote our message and win elections. I want our Party's strongest supporters to have a voice in setting our new direction. Please complete your State of the Republican Party Survey online today and make a special contribution of $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to support the RNC's party-building programs. Thank you.

Translation: We're dyin' out here! Why, I might have to give up my black Mercedes limo soon if you don't send us some money! Money, bitches, money!

Flop sweat. You can smell it on the Internets, y'know.

-- Badtux the Republican-prodding Penguin

1 comment:

  1. Can you post the link for that survey in the comments?

    I'd like to fill that out just to screw with them.


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