Thursday, December 21, 2006

Happy LongSun!

Today is an important day. For you heretics, this is the winter solstice, and in a few days you will be celebrating Christmas or Holiday or Festivus or however else your religion celebrates the winter solstice. But for us Tuxologists, this marks the summer solstice in God's perfect land, Antarctica, and we celebrate the holiday LongSun on this day.

Now, what does celebration of LongSun entail? Well, barbecues and beach parties. You are required, if you are an orthodox Tuxologist, to don flip-flops, Bermuda shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt, repair to your back yard or patio, and barbecue meat over hot coals to serve with potato salad and barbecue beans and bread for your noon meal. After this repass, an orthodox Tuxologist is required to lounge in a lounge chair for the remainder of the afternoon while basking in the sun and sipping pina coladas out of glasses with tiny little hats on toothpicks sticking out of them (or at least a slice of fresh lime). Like this: Now, obviously this presents some logistical problems for those Tuxologists who live in the Rust Belt. Every year, hospitals in Detroit, Chicago, and Minneapolis are swamped with Tuxologists suffering hypothermia or who became stuck to their barbecue grills while attempting to place meat on the grill while their hands were wet. Not every Tuxologist is wealthy enough to repair to Miami or places further south in order to celebrate LongSun. Thus only Orthodox Tuxology (the Rawists) require the full celebration complete with the ritual vestments of Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirt. Kipperists allow LongSun participants to ritually fire up the barbecue grill while wearing the ritual vestments, then once the ceremonial Firing of the Grill is accomplished, repair to the warm interior of their home to cook their food and recline on lounge chairs while sipping pina coladas. And Wholists, those dastardly liberals, don't even require the ceremonial Firing of the Grill, though even that heretical offshoot of Tuxology does not dare do away with the ritual Sipping of the Pina Coladas.

Anyhow, I must go. While it is raining and 45 degrees outside, the ceremonial Firing of the Grill must be accomplished, or I will forever be condemned to Hell (Norway) to be flogged in perepetuity with limp herring. So have a happy LongSun. Or Christmas. Or Holiday. Or whatever. And if you see Bill O'Reilly, stick your tongue out at him for me! (Just not too close to a light pole if you're in the frost belt, okay? That's really embarassing, having the EMT's come out for that!).

-- Badtux the Partying Penguin

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