Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Tiny tots gone wild! News at 11!

Who do you think gets expelled the most from school? Low-rider-wearing gangsta youth in the high schools? Backward cap wearin' baby gangstas in middle school? Or even spitball-throwing 4th graders?

Well... if you picked any of the above... YOU'RE WRONG! The students who get expelled the most from school... who are the rowdiest, roughest, hard-to-handle kids of all, that the schools have such difficulty educating that they have no choice but to send them home... are PRESCHOOLERS.

Yes, preschoolers. Little pipsqueaks that weigh maybe 40 pounds max, that like getting smiley faces and dislike getting frowney faces, that will perk up and fly right at the mention of ice cream... yes, PRESCHOOLERS. Seems these little dudes and dudettes so terrify teachers and administrators that they end up having to call the cops in order to handle them.

Oh well, I guess at least it beats shooting them. Or beating them with a paddle so hard that they have to be taken to the hospital. Still, you'd think that grown adults could handle a 40 pound tot without handcuffs or expulsions being involved!

Oops, sorry, that makes too much sense. How reality-based of me. Guess I'm gonna have to spank myself with General J.C. Christian's spatula of redemption for the sillyness of suggesting that, at one time in this nation's history, adults were capable of disciplining kindergarteners without resorting to draconian measures. How naughty of me!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin


  1. Silly Penguin. Don't you realize that beating and cuffing and expelling preschoolers is nothing more than a valiant attempt to save Western civilization from the Mohammedans and their natural allies, the Secular Humanists?

    Here's how their evil plot works: First, they send the tots (or as I call them, "larval terrorists") to schools where they're not cuffed and stuffed for throwing temper tantrums. Then, they get to high schools where a bunch of eggheads teach 'em Evolution like it's a valid scientific theory or something! Snort! Then it's off to college for a heaping dose of Existentialism, and the next thing you know, they're flyin' planes into buildings while quoting Sartre! The madness must stop!

    I say we follow the advice of Saint Hicks and send cops into maternity wards. Cuff the little criminals as they pop out! It's the only way to save ourselves!

  2. Hoo boy, those 40-pound preschoolers are a holy terror, aren't they? What's a 200-plus-pounder adult like me to do with these kiddies?

    Other than towering over them whilst casting a borderline-psychotic glare in their faces and calmly instructing them to go stand in the damn corner, that is.


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