Sunday, May 22, 2005

Free stress tests!

So I'm wandering around the mall looking for the futon store, and there's these earnest looking young people pitching a "free stress test" on a little-used cross corridor where they'd been exiled by mall management. They have a big pile of books by a science fiction writer turned self improvement guru turned religious leader behind them, so it doesn't take ten milliseconds to figure out what cult they're with and what their con is (said "stress test" always says you're stressed out and need to join their cult to get relief).

So I'm a bored penguin, the futon store is not looking like it's anywhere near, and I say to them, "Your publisher misprinted a word in the title on your books, it should say 'Dietetics'."

The earnest young girl says "Huh?" and I point to the word. "Sure, Dietetics, the science of better digestive health through scientific application of herring technology. Sure-fired cure for stress! You guys ARE with the Church of Tuxology, right?"

"Uhm, no."

"Are you sure? You're sure you don't worship the Great Penguin, Tux, who created the heavens and the earth?"

"Uh, Tux?"

"Sure! The Great Penguin created intelligent life on Earth, which then devolved from the rotund waddling perfection of penguinhood into the bizarre beast called 'mankind'. But if you embrace your inner penguin, you, too, can find perfect peace and joy!"

"Are you sure you don't want to take our stress test? You look a little stressed."

"Oh, no, I'm not stressed at all, because I just came from participating in the Sacrament of the Herring at the local Ice Cathedral and had all my woes washed away in the perfection of the Great Penguin! Say, you know, you're looking a little stressed yourself. Would you like to come down to the Ice Cathedral at the next low tide and see exactly what Tuxology can do for you?"


At this point I can see these young people thinking, "Is this guy nuts?" Mixed with, "Is this guy making fun of us?" It's making their heads hurt! So I flip'em my business card (the one with the "Supreme Poobah, Church of Tuxology" on it), and tell'em, "Well, give it a shot. What can it hurt? Improving your digestive and mental health is always a good thing!" And I go on my way, leaving them looking very puzzled.

I wonder, though: Should I perhaps warn the proprietors of the local ice skating rink that he is about to have a group of very confused young people show up? For that was the address on said business card (printed on my ink jet printer, nachurally!).

Nawww... they went back to selling their books (rhymes with "Dietetics") and forgot all about me within ten minutes. Oh well, improved digestive health just doesn't seem to be a priority with Americans today, which is a darned shame -- if Americans were just a little less anal, maybe they could have some fun without having to engage in pulping to do it.

-- Badtux the Tuxologist Penguin


  1. LOL?!

    Yeah, it was -- and then I clicked on that link...

    You know, BadTux, I was raised to believe that you reap what you sow. It was drilled into me. Hell, a lot of things were drilled into me, but that's one of the few that managed to stick. But lately, I just don't know...

    I can see why the meek never inherited the earth. For the life of me, though, I cannot understand why this prison torture shit is still going unpunished. I just don't get it...

  2. Excellent stuff.

    I remember these assclowns from Dietetics in the atrium of the Straight twenty-five years ago when I was just past being a tadpole in college. I had never heard of the whole religion then, but they were offering the exact same thing, some sort of stress test. Hasn't changed a bit.

    I think of it as Twitology. Supported by twits trolling for additional twits. I'd rather eat herring.


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