Friday, December 21, 2007

2007 in snark

So anyhow, someone asked me to round up my best posts of 2007. So here we go...

World Nut Daily got the year started off brilliantly with expose of the evil conspiracy by terrorists to kill us all with snakes scorpions on a plane. But don't worry, they had a solution: Pack heat. Just like Jesus said, alrighty! World Nut Daily also solemnly informed us that if we don't let the terrorists tell us what to do, the terrorists have won, as well as having a very special guest editorialist (our dear friend Bubba the Suthern Penguin, who, sadly, seems to have lost his voice and appeared only once during the entire year).

Cops made the news a lot this year dealing with terrorist threats to America. They shut down large portions of a major city to handle the Light Emitting Diodes of Mass Destruction, headed off the dire threat of Poems of Mass Destruction, eliminated the threat of Jazz Musicians of Mass Destruction and made sure that a bank was not blown up by the Eyeglasses of Mass Destruction. We were also protected from the threat of Immigrant Children of Mass Destruction, who learned what the inside of a jail cell is, because of course the best place for a child is in a prison cell. I must applaud them for their fine application of the principle "spare the rod and spoil the child", doncha know?!

Cops also made the news a lot dealing with people who threatened them, like the British professor who demanded of a scruffy young man claiming to be a police officer that he show ID, the naked deaf man who threatened them with his, err, Gun of Fun, and the sleeping dude who threatened them with his snores.

Speaking of terrorism, we were told by a New York politician that if we don't elect politicians that lie, the terrorists win. That "truth" thing is, like, so 20th century.

On the science front, we learned that the best way to fight drought was not rationing or disaster loans or whatever, it was prayer. I can't wait to see their solution to the problem of forest fires, which'll probably involve Bible readings or something. We also found out that politicians know more science than scientists know and if the scientists say they know better than us about that science stuff, those scientists are just... just... POOPY HEADS!

On the military front, our brave men and women in uniform protected us from the Underwear of Mass Destruction. The U.S. and Russia got into an argument about who has the biggest penetrator, though it is unknown whether Pooty-Poot and Dear Leader got together to drop trow and compare penetrators to settle the question once and for all. There was the surge, the manly manly surge, of course, though no news on whether the penetrator was surging or what.

This was the year that we found out that there was a bigger enemy of America than Osama bin Ladin, a bigger threat than Iraqi terrorist, a bigger menace to society than inner city gangsta thugs. This enemy is... teachers. That is how we know that the Democrats themselves must be enemies of America, because the Democrats are... are... nice to teachers. How dare they! I was sorta looking forward to the introduction of the electrical shock to the genitalia of teachers for the purposes of improving test scores. Sadly, with Democratic victories over the past two years it appears this dream must be deferred.

But even worse than teachers was that mighty supervillain, The Gay Agenda. First, The Gay Agenda sued to attend school in Massachusetts. GASP! Then, The Gay Agenda did tons of other nasty things like forcing a girl to marry another girl, or maybe Senator Santorum's dog or Senator Cornyn's box turtle depending on his mood. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff clarified that The Gay Agenda is more deadly than terrorism. The Gay Agenda was a very busy supervillain this year, making regular appearances on Fox News and World Nut Daily to terrorize the populace and require the assistance of discriminated-against white men in order to foil his evil plans.

Finally, in religion news, I discovered that religions that demand personal responsibility suck. I said to the priest, "I'm going to go to one of those religions that tell me that all I godda do is bend the knee and pray to Jesus and give all my money to some guy with greased-back hair and fat jowls and I'll be Saved and go to Jesus and don't need to solve my own problems because Jesus will solve them all for me." But after some thought, I decided to go all the way. Why go with a religion that simply promises delights in the afterlife, when I could have a religion that promises delights in the current life?!

And that's 2007 in snark. Happy Holidays! (And fuck you, Bill O.).

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

1 comment:

  1. Everything behind us is monkey shit and soon to be forgotten as we hurtle forward through time and space.

    So this post was pretty much a waste of time because it will soon be forgotten.

    Frankly, I'm getting tired of wasting my time this way.


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