Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Thoughts on baby strollers

I'm *still* not getting these gigantic baby SUV's that clog up everywhere that mothers go nowadays. WTF?

What I can't understand is how my mother could get by with a folding stroller and a diaper bag slung over her shoulder, and nowadays they need these fucking *BABY SUV's* the size of a friggin' Ford Excursion. What, modern mommas are too good to carry a diaper bag slung over their shoulder? Oh wait, I got it. Back in my era, kids were kids -- mommas popped'em out 'cause that's what mommas do, but once the kid was fully toasted, that was pretty much it, you got tossed out the door to play outside with occasional diversions to eat, sleep, and attend K-12 school until you were old enough to ship off to college and got the fuck outta of the house so Poppa could resume shagging Momma 24 hours a day without having your punk ass around cluttering the place. Nowadays, kids are goddamn *status symbols*, to be pampered and treated like friggin' queens and kings and dressed up and shit and have every second of every day of their life programmed for them and protected like gold from Fort Knox. And of course nothing's too good for Baby. A folding stroller and a diaper bag? Heavens no, the Jones have a baby SUV, that's what we gotta have too!

And look. Some of those little motherfuckers in those baby SUV's look like they're old enough to be in grade school. Fuck, some of'em even look like they're shavin', you almost expect to see their high school diploma prominently displayed on the side of their fucking Gerber Mega Excursion with its 35 inch tires and 457 cubic inch V8 belching fumes as Momma runs your butt down in the middle of the grocery aisle with her three tons of evil, evil, baby SUV. Not like back when I was a kid, when if you were big enough to toddle along on your own two feet you damn well toddled along on your own two feet and if you decided you didn't want to, well, tough titties, kiddie, you got dragged the fuck along until you decided you didn't like getting dragged along and came to your senses. Nowadays, I guess parents would get busted for child abuse if they did shit like that. Any wonder we got a buncha spoiled fat little bastards growing up today?

Of course it ain't got shit to do with the kid, who doesn't give a damn because he'd rather examine his boogers and lick cotton candy off the pavement anyhow and couldn't give a shit whether he's being pushed around in a folding stroller or in a baby SUV, it's all me, me, ME on the part of the parents. Dumbasses. Siiiigh. WASF (We Are So F'ed).

And there ends my rant about baby strollers, now we can get back to discussing the rest of the stupidity that is modern-day America :).

-- Badtux the Misanthropic Penguin


  1. Thanks, Tux, somebody needed to rant about the SUV strollers. Moms nowadays carry enough equipment to keep a Himalayan hiker in food, water, sunscreen, and warm blankets for a month. FSM forbid Junior get thirsty or hungry; he needs his choice of snacks and drinks. Pretty soon they'll come out with diapers with various kiddie images, and Junior will need to have his pick of diapers, too. And don't get me started on the jogger moms who nearly run me down when I'm out walking...

    Why, no, I never had children. How can you tell? :-)

  2. Tux -

    You are now, officially, a grumpy old man -- er . . . bird.

    Karen -

    Tsk, tsk.


  3. The majority of parents have decided that they are in favor of Big Strollers. Thus the only way you can do away with Big Strollers is by forcing their elimination at gunpoint.

    Actually, the word "you" in that last statement should also be bolded...'cause some of us still beleive in the concept of discussion and persuasion.

  4. Ugh, the worst is when you get a couple of granola moms walking home from the farmer's market two abreast on the sidewalk with those SUV strollers. They take up the whole sidewalk! I've had to literally stop and just stand still on the sidewalk in order to force one of them to move and even then they often will shoot me a dirty look because I didn't step off the curb onto the street in order to make way for the little King or Queen inside the stroller :)

  5. One thing I'll note is that these baby SUV's are bad for the environment because they *literally* require a SUV to haul them around. My Mom could fit her folding stroller under the front bonnet of a Volkswagen Beetle. Good luck fitting one of those baby SUV's in something smaller than a Ford Excursion :).

    - Badtux the Grumpy Old Penguin

  6. Well, to be fair. In the affluent community where I work, those SUV strollers are most popular with the people who can afford to live in the neighborhoods located within walking distance of the downtown area and farmer's market. They use those strollers when they are walking and they keep a different stroller for putting into the Prius.

  7. BadTux, you, a healthy adult competent to walk on two legs, don't like those SUV strollers? Try being an (expletive deleted) cripple like me, using a ride-cart in the same aisle with one of those buggers, um, I mean, buggies! They are a menace to health and safety.

  8. SUV strollers are really transformer BORG in disguise. The babies are just accessories.

  9. Yup, fatten up those little bastards.
    They'll be tasty later when SHTF...

  10. Thanks for the rant. I thought I was the only one feeling this way.

  11. Minute counterpoint from the wasteland of retail workers: If a big stroller is what it takes to keep your feral monkey child from creating havoc in my store, I will not complain. I may even give you 10% off if the snowflakes are sleeping instead of screaming.


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