Vice President Darth Cheney defends checks of underwear drawers

WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday that the Pentagon and the CIA are not violating people's rights by examining the underwear drawers of hundreds of Americans and others suspected of terrorism or espionage in the U.S.

National-security letters permit the executive branch to search underwear drawers in terrorism and spy investigations without a judge's approval or grand jury subpoena.

"The Department of Defense has legitimate authority in this area. This is an authority that goes back three or four decades. It was reaffirmed in the Patriot Act," Cheney said on Fox News Sunday. "It's perfectly legitimate activity. There's nothing wrong with it or illegal. It doesn't violate people's civil rights."

Constitutional scholar I.M. Cracker, who blogs under the name "Instahack", also appeared on Fox News defended Cheney's interpretation of the Constitutional implications of this novel surveillance program. "Look," he said. "I don't have anything to hide. Why should I care if Dick Cheney is sniffing my underwear?" At this point his eyes started rolling and he started emitting ecstatic noises while his right arm moved suggestively, at which point Fox broke to an urgent news bulletin about a missing white blond girl, then returned to Pat O'Really's show for commentary, with two special guests appearing via remote camera.

"A man's underwear is his most personal possession," exclaimed outraged civil liberties advocate L. Wombat from his fortified compound in San Francisco. On the other screen, Vice President Darth Cheney smirked. "You're just afraid that I'll find out you wear frilly string bikini underwear," Vice President Cheney said. L. Wombat started to say something, but Pat O'Really cut the mike and said "There you have it, folks. All liberals are pervert Commies! And from the No Spin zone, I'm Pat O'Really!"

White House press secretary Pony Blow denied reports that the administration was next going to examine sock drawers. "And if the New York Times reports that we are, they're enemies of America and should all be hung! We're trying to defend America! Why does the New York Times hate America?" When reporters objected to the notion of reporters being hung, Pony Blow added "After a fair trial for treason in front of a military tribunal, of course. Why do you hate our criminal justice system?"

That's today's news from the penguin's iceberg...

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin