Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The plot to bring socialism to America

I am going to tell you a very important and little-known fact: I am part of an Antarctic conspiracy to bring socialism to America.

Now, I hear you saying, "oh get out with it!". But consider. We penguins are amongst the most socialist creatures on this planet. We do everything in groups. We swim in groups. We fish in groups. We huddle together in groups while protecting our eggs from hungry critters. We are socialist from top to bottom. So we hatched this plot on August 4, 1961 to bring the benefits of socialism -- the raw herring, the huddling together in the cold, etc. -- to the rest of the planet.

Yes, Barack Obama is ours, in most cunning disguise. The reason why he doesn't have his original birth certificate, just the re-issue from the State of Hawaii Birth Registry? It's because he doesn't really have one. Because we penguins are cunning hackers (see: Linux), we hacked into the Birth Registry's computers and placed a fake birth record there. We also bankrolled his career, using the vast wealth of the Antarctic, until now... now he is where we engineered him to be. Bwahahaha!

So what next for America, you ask? Okay, first, we ban home heating oil, natural gas, and electricity. Nobody needs heat or light. If shivering in the dark and cold and eating raw food is good enough for penguins, it's good enough for you naked monkeys too. Next, we send our crack penguin goon squads to take away all your guns. No more guns. Then we round up all Republicans and place them into concentration camps where raw herring will be flung over the fences from time to time for the conservatives to fight over. And then when all you naked apes are shivering and freezing in the dark, puking on your raw beef or raw herring, then is when we shall dispatch our penguin armies to take over and impose a socialist paradise upon America under the leadership of our brave fellow penguin, President Barack Hussein Obama.

What, you thought the right-wingers were engaging in tin-foil-hattery when they whined that President Obama was a foreign tool who was here to impose socialism upon America? Hah! You didn't know the half of it! Your problem is that you simply did not have the imagination to realize how daring the real plot to bring socialism to America was. Prepare to meet your new penguin overlords. Bwhahahahahaha!

-- Badtux the Evil Penguin

11 comments:

  1. Go for it ! We can't wind up much worse off than we are at this point ! Besides , what is wrong with a little socialism ? All the capilistic way has produced so far is a few rich people and a lot of serfs . I'l try anything once ...
    w3ski

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  2. OH NO, ARMED PENGUINS, OH NO!

    Yeh, you dudes have socialism perfected.

    Bring it on, it's gotta be better then living under the tyranny of the rich Rethuglican conservatards and their Party of No Fucking Clue.

    ReplyDelete
  3. See...we're just a bunch of push-overs when it comes to you cute little penguins.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How do you pull the triggers on your guns?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mental prowness, wok3.

    w3ski, you will thank us penguins when you are shivering in the dark glumly gnawing on your diet of raw herring.

    Grandpa Eddie, f33r the cut3!

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

    ReplyDelete
  6. So what next for America, you ask? Okay, first, we ban home heating oil, natural gas, and electricity.

    Oh sure, I can just picture a spoiled man like you not having those. I could get along better without them than you can.

    You'll have to pry my gun from my dead fingers.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Now I see the evil behind why Obama always looks so cool!!!!

    P.S. Is anybody else looking forward to the pry-job on BBC like I am?

    ReplyDelete
  8. mmmmm, sushi!

    but wouldja hurry up with the socialism part already?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm with hipparchia (however you say that) on both parts ! My cats even agree for once ! ! ?
    an amazed w3ski

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  10. [probably about like you say w3ski]

    and about the only thing all the cats here agree on is tripe.

    ReplyDelete

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