Friday, April 02, 2004

NAQ (Never-Asked Questions)

It is a tradition to have a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) section answering questions that have never been asked. I have decided that this tradition should continue here, except that, for truth-in-media purposes, I'll call it what it is: A NAQ (Never Asked Questions) list.

    • Q: Are you a liberal?
    • A: Uhm, can you read? That's LIBERTARIAN. As in, small government, Big Brother keeping its nose out of my business, no foreign wars, etc. Now, I'm a "left-wing" Libertarian, not a "right-wing" Libertarian (the difference is that "left-wing" Libertarians recognize that not all needs are fulfilled by the free market, and thus some -- LIMITED -- government is needed in order to fulfill those needs that are not fulfilled by the free market), but the general gist -- voluntary communities of like-minded people rather than Big Government, free enterprise rather than State planning, etc. -- are pretty much the same.
    • Q: I'm offended by XXX that you posted. Can you remove it?
    • A: Oh WAAHHH! Am I supposed to care? That's LIBERTARIAN, not LIBERAL. You seem to be confusing me with one of those oh-so-sensitive types who cares about your poor widdle hoit feewings. Awwe, poor baby!
    • Q: Is Bubba the Southern Penguin related to South Knox Bubba?
    • A: No. Bubba the Southern Penguin hails from quite a bit further south than South Knox Bubba. QUITE a bit further South.
    • Q: My name is Bubba, and I'm offended by your 'Bubba the Southern Penguin' segments.
    • A: Oh WAAH! And if I'd named him "Cooter the Southern Penguin" and your name was Cooter, you'd be just as offended. Go whine to someone who gives a sh**.
    • Q: I'm a Southerner, and I'm offended by your 'Bubba the Southern Penguin' segments.
    • A: Well congratulations, I'm a Southerner too, born and bred in the buckle of the Bible Belt! Except I had the sense to realize that the bigotted Bible-thumping inbred cretins that I lived and worked with every day were, (doh), LOSERS. And went out somewhere that I could be with other smart people.
    • Q: Are you an elitist?
    • Q: You damn swell tootin' I am! Most Libertarians are, you know. We believe that the reason the flyover trailer-park states full of losers and old people between the coasts are so poor and miserable is because, well, people there are STUPID. If they were winners, their states wouldn't be so full of poverty and misery and would produce something besides wheat and cretins. There's no reason for me to believe that the opinion of a loser and cretin should count as much as the opinion of someone who damn well made something of himself through hard work and study.
    • Q: What are the primary weapons of the Penguin Inquisition?
    • A: Surprise. Well, surprise and fear. Well, surprise, fear, and ruthless efficiency. And really smelly rotten herring, which your waddling overlords shall flagellate you with day and night. And if that doesn't break you, then (ba ba BOOM) the COMFY CHAIR! Oh no, not the comfy chair!
    • Q: Do Tuxologists believe in evolution?
    • A: Yes. Evolution is a fact. The mechanisms behind evolution are theories, but the fact that plants and animals evolve over time is one that has been observed, tested, measured, and otherwise verified as a fact. Of course, it is also possible for a creature to DEVOLVE, which apparently is what has happened in the Bible Belt of the United States. And by the way, Tuxology holds that God did NOT create Man in his image. As explained in this post, God created PENGUINS in His image, and Man evolved (or, rather, devolved) from penguins.
    • Q: What are Tuxologist beliefs about geography?
    • A: These are described in this post. Basically, the Earth is flat, and is resting on top of four elephants that face the directions of the compass, and these four elephants are standing upon the shell of Great A'Tuin the World Turtle as he swims through the sea of stars. It is merely a THEORY that the world is round, and Tuxology's theory is just as valid as any other.
    • Q: What do Tuxologists think of David Horowitz's "Academic Bill of Rights"?
    • A: We love it! Since a round earth is just a theory, it means that Tuxology's flat earth theory must be given equal time in the classroom, which is only just deserts for any state or any nation stupid enough to pass such a moronic law.
    • Q: I don't think you're funny.
    • A: So go elsewhere. Nobody's forcing you to read this crap.
    • Q: Are you a misanthrope?
    • A: Whoa, look who's been in the dictionary! And the answer to that one is, why, YES!
    • Q: Who is H.L. Mencken?
    • A: A dead man. A2: the Second Father of all snarky misanthropic pounders of keyboards everywhere (Mark Twain being, of course, the Founding Father of American snark). Look him up. You'll be a better person for it.
    • Q: Are you the Attorney General of the Untied States of America?
    • A: Not anymore.
    • Q: Are you Karl Rove O'Brien, Bush's Brain?
    • A: Not anymore.

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