Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Rapture fever

I wish there really was a rapture this Saturday, where all the faux Christians with their fish stickers and creepy smiles and constant "Have you accepted JEEEEEEzus as your LOOOOORD and SAVIOR!" get taken up to Heaven en masse. I must admit that I'm far too nice to the JEEEEEzus people who knock on my front door. Rather than debate the fine points of Tuxology vs. Christianity with them and talk about the superiority of the Great Penguin to Jehovah as the creator of the universe while stroking a black cat and occasionally saying "what's that you said, my pretty?" to the cat, I say "Sorry, not interested, thank you, goodbye" and slam the door in their face. JEEEEEzus!

Update: 10 Rapture tips for Christians. My favorite one: "Keep the sunroof open." I might add the same note about the skylight :).

-- Badtux the Great-Penguin-Worshipping Penguin


  1. Try going to the door with a beer in hand dressed in boxers and a wife beater. I good touch is scratch your ass with the other hand while addressing them. The real fun part is seeing how long it takes for them to leave. F A S T I tells ya

  2. Thanks for the yucks this morning Penguin on what is the start of the third day of five of rain. It sucks! The flooding is coming.

  3. Thank you for noting it is the faux Christians who hope to be raptured on Saturday. As opposed to "good" or "real" Christians like I've seen them described elsewhere.

    This man is a whack-a-doodle.He also thinks this upcoming rapture is the fault of the Gay Agendas and same-sex marriage. I'm all for a big end-of-the-world party on Friday, followed by a yay-we're-all-still-here party on Sunday. it's a two-fer.

  4. I am more likely to experience a rupture...

    I was polite to block-walking proselytizers for several decades. By now I've done my duty for a lifetime. Sometimes I ask "who is it?" through the still-closed door, and if it's someone wanting to convert me, I just silently walk away from the door without saying one more word. At least while they stand there, they are getting a moment's rest in their mission.

  5. I usually ask them to take off their top and i'll talk with them,oh I like guttural noises too!
    Can't go wrong with scratching your ass or tugging on your package...close the door with an all praises to ya

  6. Do note that this is harder for me in summer, since I don't have air conditioning and the front door is usually open (but the screen door locked, it has "cat proof" screen in it that seems to actually be cat-proof, praise be to JEEEEEzus!). So I'm sitting on the futon watching the latest episode of "Cooking Christians with Mullah Yazdi", and they can see me there when they walk up to the door. In that case I say "Sorry, not interested, goodbye" and simply walk away and return to watching "Fornicating Sodom Style with Dan Savage". Thus far none of the JEEEEEEzus! people have tried the screen door, they've been polite enough to stand there at the screen door wondering what they're supposed to do next, then walk away themselves (possibly after tucking a tract into the crack between the screen door and the house, sigh). Not that it'd help them to try the screen door, since it is, well, locked.

    - Badtux the Open Air Penguin

  7. Despite living near a Jehovah's Witness church, I seldom get the Witnesses at the front door. It's usually the Baptists from three blocks over, inviting me to their Christmas/Easter/Whatnot celebration. I politely decline and they leave.

    My husband is more blunt: he says "We're atheists." Then he closes the door and/or walks away.

  8. The GAO (Greensboro Atheist Org.) is having a blowout of a Rapture Party Saturday night hoping to encourage them all to get "raptured!"

    Everyone's invited!

    The more the merrier.

  9. Mr. Tux....In case you've never seen this----you will ROFL:

  10. Just by chance one day I stepped out of the house with my shotgun on my shoulder(going to a turkey shoot) as the car was coming down the driveway. The Good Lord or someone stopped that car on a dime and gave change, then it went back up twice as fast. I didn't even get a chance to act tough or rack the slide.

  11. Oh my, what a bunch of faithless heathen we have here. Guess we'll all have fun Saturday collecting up the property of all those raptured "Christians". Or maybe not, since the only rapturing that's gonna be done is if they get too full of hot air and blow up like a balloon and float away :).

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin


Ground rules: Comments that consist solely of insults, fact-free talking points, are off-topic, or simply spam the same argument over and over will be deleted. The penguin is the only one allowed to be an ass here. All viewpoints, however, are welcomed, even if I disagree vehemently with you.

WARNING: You are entitled to create your own arguments, but you are NOT entitled to create your own facts. If you spew scientific denialism, or insist that the sky is purple, or otherwise insist that your made-up universe of pink unicorns and cotton candy trees is "real", well -- expect the banhammer.

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