Sunday, May 08, 2011

Dear Mr. Penguin...

Dear Mr. Penguin: My sister is a housecleaning fiend and gets out of town relatives visiting all the time. Yet I live in the same city and never get out-of-town visitors. Do you think I would get more visitors if I cleaned house? -- Signed, Not-too-neat.

Dear Not-too-neat: Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Have you forgotten what color your carpets are due to the collection of pizza boxes, old bills, newspapers, books, and other assorted rubbish that covers them?
  2. Does your dog refuse to drink out of the toilet because it's so filthy?
  3. Are Mississippi gas station lavatories cleaner than yours?
  4. Has the pile of dirty dishes in your sink bred a new species?
  5. When you open your refrigerator, do molds the size of housecats snap at you and drive you away?
  6. Was your cat's litter box last cleaned when Clinton was President, leading to a rather interesting aroma?
  7. Are your bed sheets brown, even though they originally started off as blue?
  8. Does the mildew in your bathtub open its eyes and watch you shower?
If you answer "Yes" to any one of these questions, you *may* get more visitors if you clean house. Oh, and do wash your clothes and use antiperspirant too. If you can't find the washer and dryer under all the junk in your laundry room, take pillowcases full of clothes to your local laundramat instead. Everybody who works with you or encounters you in public will thank you.

-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin


  1. On the flip side, you don't have to entertain those who don't arrive. ;)

  2. So, my strategy for keeping people away is working . . .!

  3. My wife is Polish. None of this is operational.

    JzB the traveling trombonist

  4. I think Not-so-neat is a bachelor, JzB. Are you saying that your wife is a cleaning fiend? Or that neither she nor her relatives would notice that they can't see the carpet through the piles of dirty clothes, pizza boxes, and fast food wrappers? :).

    - Badtux the Snarky Penguin

  5. The lovely wife is a cleaning enthusiast. I don't think fiend captures quite the right image.


  6. Hmm, JzB. I guess she left the horns to you, eh?

    -- Badtux the Snarky Penguin


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