Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Census Conspiracy

So, I keep hearing this thing from the Michelle Bachmans of the world that the Census is a conspiracy, and that you shouldn't put anything on the census other than the number of people who live in the household, because anything else is part of a New World Order conspiracy to put the Mark of the Beast upon you. Coincidentally, I received my Census form. It asks me:

  1. How many people in my house?
  2. Any additional people like relatives?
  3. Do I own with a mortgage, own free and clear, rent, or squat?
  4. What's my phone number?
  5. For each person: What's name, sex, age, race?
Wow, that's really going to give the New World Order conspiracy a lot of information necessary to round me up and intern me into the Re-education Camps when the United Nations takes over America! So how old is this conspiracy, anyhow? Well... let's see... how about 1850? Yes, 1850! The 1850 Census asked the following questions of each resident in a household:
  1. name;
  2. age as of the census day;
  3. sex;
  4. color;
  5. birthplace;
  6. occupation of males over age fifteen;
  7. value of real estate;
  8. whether married within the previous year;
  9. whether deaf-mute, blind, insane, or "idiotic";
  10. whether able to read or write for individuals over age twenty; and
  11. whether the person attended school within the previous year.
Oh man, you mean this conspiracy has been going on for 160 years now? And it is only now that people like Michelle Bachman and Glenn Beck are waking up to this danger to America's freedom and liberty? OMFG I feel so dumb that none of my relatives for the past 160 years ever figured out that we're actually being counted like sheep so that our feline overlords can swoop in and know where to find each of us in order to eat our brains! Oh wait, we'd need brains to start with for that to be a problem... alrighty, then!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin

Below: The Bachman family gathers around the television to watch Glenn Beck's show, secure in their belief that their tinfoil hats will protect them from those dastardly Census rays!


  1. The form doesn't allow us to list our feline owners, but I guess that is part of the plan...they already know where their agents are, and where they rule.

  2. Indeed, the feline component of this 160-year-old conspiracy should have been stated explicitly, and I have now corrected my post to do so.

    - Badtux the Cat-owned Penguin

  3. Wish I could've taken the 1860 census so I could claim insanity.

    Back in those days, tin foil was real TIN, not wimp-ass aluminum.

    BTW, I'm owned by grandchildren, but they live in four different locations.


  4. I don't think it a conspiracy, but still it is invasive to our privacy. Don't you get that? If 1850 practices were also invasive, that is hardly an endorsement.

    This video asks the govt good questions that the govt refused to answer.

  5. Wow, I'm so ashamed to not have known that for the past 160 years, we've been ruled by traitors who are invading our privacy! Thank you for educating me, I am in awe of the intellect of people who can discover these vast violations of the law that have been occurring for ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY YEARS without anybody ever noticing before! Clearly every President for the past 160 years needs to be IMPEACHED and jailed for this criminal act against America and Americans, starting with President Millard Fillmore on up!

    - Badtux the Tongue-in-cheek Penguin

  6. But you know that when the wheel turns and the government decides to intern all you treasonous Penguo-Americans, they know exactly where to find you

  7. The US Census has been taken since 1790, actually. For some ironic humor to PammyCakes fears, the Census is mandated by the Constitution. Isn't it people like PammyCakes who usually scream "THAT'S NOT IN OUR CONSTITUTION?!"

    For more irony, the man who administrated the first census is the requisite founding father hero of conservatives everywhere, one Thomas Jefferson.

    Quick, somebody tell PammyCakes this so her head explodes and we never have to listen to her again.

  8. Speaking of felines and the Census, shortly after we moved to Australia, we got one of the questionnaires for their 2006 census. We didn't list ourselves, we put in the names of our two cats, their presumed birthdates (which made them 2 years old) and their nationality (we got them from an animal shelter in Oakland.) I'm hoping the infant felineAmericans got counted as part of the Aussie population stats...

  9. tas -

    The conservatives who know about Jefferson hate him. He was too much like FDR.

    They lave John Adams and Alexander Hamilton.

    Never mind Hamilton was a Federalist. Cons have no sense of irony.

    JzB the Jefferson appreciating trombonist

  10. The census is a joke. I have not been included in the census since 1960.

  11. Morris, believe me, you've been included in the census. Maybe you didn't directly answer the census questionnaire, but if the census worker could not get the information from your landlord, employer or neighbors, she kicked it upstairs and they got the information off of your income tax forms. The only way to go uncounted is to be a homeless hobo living under a bridge, and even then they send out the workers to count the homeless hobos, even if they have to assign "John Doe" names for them...

    - Badtux the Census Penguin


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