Friday, May 27, 2005

That's one hot burger!

The Puritan Television Council is outraged. In the new commercial for Carl's Jr.'s new hamburger, the Million Dollar Spicy BBQ Burger, PTC's spokesman, Mrs. Melissa Coldwell, frigidly complains that the burger appears to be NAKED on the television screen. "This is soft-core porn!" she vehemently exclaims, especially noting the burger's vicinity to a sexy-looking naked car being soaped down on the television screen, and the fact that the burger is being bitten like a sex kitten being attacked by porn star Dirk Dagger.

A Carl's Jr. spokesperson contacted by this reporter seemed blase' about the accusations. "Sure, the burger is hot and sexy. So? That's what our young studly male customers want -- a hot sexy burger to nibble on and relish!"

Upon being informed that Carl's Jr. had no plans of backing down, Mrs. Coldwell, after a session of sputtering and gasping for breath at the affrontery of anybody refusing to back down to the Puritan Television Council, said that her next step would be to mobilize the forces of her million-plus brown-shirt-clad members to lobby the FCC to ban the commercials. "We must protect our children from these sexy hamburgers!" she exclaimed, hyperventilating and occasionally puffing on an inhaler. "Even if it takes jack-booted goons with guns to do it, nothing is more important than protecting our children from anything that might offend their innocent eyes!"

This reporter interviewed an 11 year old and asked him what sex was. "Well, a boy and a girl, they lie down. And the boy sticks his dingus into the girl's front. And it's FUN!" At this he grinned broadly. When asked what he thought about Mrs. Coldwell trying to protect him from sexy burgers, he said "That's stupid!"

Oh, Parish Hilton was in the commercial too. It is unknown whether Mrs. Coldwell noticed this, fixated as she was on that hot, juicy burger as it dribbled juices down the chin of the person eating it like a hot stud engaged in messy fellatio to a nubile young woman...

-- Badtux the Pornographic Penguin

Posted by BadTux at 5/27/2005 09:08:00 AM

1 comment:

  1. NewsBlog 500028/5/05 2:01 PM

    I believe it was Freud who said, ‘Sometimes 1000 calories of meat is just 1000 calories of meat.’

    ReplyDelete

Ground rules: Comments that consist solely of insults, fact-free talking points, are off-topic, or simply spam the same argument over and over will be deleted. The penguin is the only one allowed to be an ass here. All viewpoints, however, are welcomed, even if I disagree vehemently with you.

WARNING: You are entitled to create your own arguments, but you are NOT entitled to create your own facts. If you spew scientific denialism, or insist that the sky is purple, or otherwise insist that your made-up universe of pink unicorns and cotton candy trees is "real", well -- expect the banhammer.

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)