Sunday, July 18, 2010

What religion are penguins?

Hoisted from comments below:

Penguins are generally Tuxologists -- worshippers of the Great Penguin. The current popularity of ice hockey all over the United States is part of a secret plot by Tuxologists to finance the building of Ice Cathedrals for the purpose of partaking of the Sacrament of the Herring, and if at a hocky game you see some formally dressed short big-nosed folks at the back of the crowd who do not appear to be paying attention to the game but, rather, are passing around small bits of herring on a cracker while drinking beer, you have stumbled upon a secret and solemn religious ceremony celebrating His continued somnolence (the Great Penguin is a lazy penguin, okay? And we like it that way!). Just beware if the herring appears to be raw rather than kippered, because that means you have stumbled upon a cell of schismatic Rawists fundamentalists rather than good upright Kipperists, and your fate may not be good if they discover you observing their ceremony... as with religious fundamentalists everywhere, Rawists tend to be violent, and you risk the Rawists gathering around you and, err.... giving you a wedgie. The horror, oh the horror!

Hey, what can I say, worshipping a lazy fat sleepy penguin that has been asleep for the past few million years doesn't exactly drive one to energetic exercise of violence...

Some have noticed the similarity between the attire of nuns and penguins. This is actually a secret acknowledgement by the Catholic Church of the *true* nature of man.... see, the Christian fundamentalists were right. Man is *not* evolved from monkeys. Rather, Man is *devolved*... from His perfect creature, PENGUINS! And the devolution is continuing, thus the existence of the band "Devo" and teabaggers. The penguin attire is a sad attempt by nuns to re-attain the state of grace that Man had when Mankind was simply a slightly less formally attired breed of penguin.

So there you have it -- the Truth, as laid out in the holy scriptures of the Church of Tuxology. And if you refuse to believe it... die, heretic, die! Well, eventually, anyhow. We all do, after all.

- Badtux the Religious Penguin


  1. Geeez I think your eligible for tax exemption now. The Church of Modern Day Penguins. Can't wait till your Sunday show on at 2:00am

  2. Penguins are generally Tuxologists -- worshippers of the Great Penguin.

    Whales are quiet fond of them also.

  3. Do they get along with Pastafarians?

  4. Cookie Jill, by and large, yes! Well, sorta. Tuxologists thinks Pastafarians are heretics, of course. But worshippers of a fat, lazy penguin just can't get energetic enough to do anything about it. Might disturb The Great Penguin's nap, you see. Wouldn't want to do that, a penguin needs his sleep! Even if he's been asleep for a few million years now, but you know how it is with deities, they're a lot better asleep than awake, when they have this bad tendency to stomp around with hobnail boots and break things, so Tuxologists don't take chances when it comes to expending excess energy on things like pogroms and crusades. They prefer to emulate the example of their rotund deity instead and focus on the finer things of life -- sleep, sex, and herring.

    - Badtux the Religious Penguin

  5. With all that hockey stuff, I think Tuxologists must be secretly Canajun.

  6. Well, penguins DO like cold places, y'know. ;).

    - Badtux the Overheated Penguin

  7. The part about humans devolving from higher life forms sounds about right. Mark Twain had the same idea more than a century ago when he described humans as a lower form of life,descended from the Higher Animals.

    I guess that means Devo was correct, also


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