Bush solves world energy crisis

Hot on the heels of the Orwell Plant (described in my previous post, where George Orwell's grave is now being used to drive a 30 megawatt generator when the coffin rotates every time Bush or Blair uses Newspeak), green energy enthusiasts believe they have solved our energy problems forever. Soon to be brought online: a Charles Darwin plant (to harness the energy created every time a Southern preacher tries to ban all mention of evolution in science textbooks), an Eleanor Roosevelt plant (to harness the energy created by the Republicans trying to eliminate her pride and joy, Social Security), a Thomas Jefferson plant (obvious!), and a Rachel Carson plant (every time the Bush administration guts an environmental regulation, this one should generate a good 20-30 megawatts!). Not to mention the Founding Fathers generating complex, which should provide enough energy for the United States, Canada, and Mexico combined once it is up and running.

The embattled oil field giant Halliburton has been granted the preliminary $5 billion dollar contract to implement this plan for energy independence. When asked why an oil company would be putting itself out of business forever, honorary Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney notes, "Look, Halliburton benefits far more from having Republicans in power than it benefits from having oil contracts, just see our Iraq contracts!" He also notes that this guarantees that Republicans will control the U.S. government forever, because American voters, given the choice of cheap energy or Democrats, will always choose cheap energy.

Democratic Senate Leader Wimsy Pansy, when asked to respond, says "We welcome this new initiative on the part of Halliburton and the Bush Administration, and will do everything possible in order to make it happen." When informed that this would mean that Republicans would hold power forever because all the rotating in graves would cease if Democrats ever regained power, Mr. Pansy said "So? We Democrats are willing to make any sacrifice if it means cheap energy for Americans!"

We tracked down one of Thomas Jefferson's descendents, a Mr. Estes Hemmings III, regarding how he felt about his famous ancestor's grave being used to generate power on behalf of the opposition of the Democratic party that Mr. Jefferson founded. Mr. Hemmings, found standing on a street corner while attired in stylish baggy pants and a backwards-turned baseball cap and much bling-bling, appeared confused. "Dude, what do I care about some dead asshole who banged my great-great-somethin' granny?"

A survey by the Gallop Group found that Americans overwhelmingly approve. 51% believe that harnessing the power of dead founding fathers rotating in their graves defends freedom overseas before it can come terrorize us at home. Another 51% believe that George W. Bush should be appointed Emperor for Life because they're tired of high energy bills.

This reporter attempted to survey freedom-loving penguins, but they appear to have hit the road for Canada.

Reportorially Yours,
Badtux the Snarky Penguin