George W Bush started his second term in office today with a rousing call for Americans to help spread Freedom(tm) until "it reaches the darkest corners of our world". Dick Cheney's soul was unavailable for comment.
The Supreme Leader continued, "Freedom(tm) is the most important thing for the world today. Freedom(tm) tastes great, is less filling, and solves all BO problems forever. Freedom(tm) is good(*)." Mr. Bush pointed to his examples of bringing Freedom(tm) to Iraq and Afghanistan as an example of the good that Freedom(tm) brings to a people. "Look," he said, "Until we got there, Iraqis were sexually inhibited. Now thanks to our sex therapy clinic at Abu Ghraib, they know the joys of homoeroticism and group orgies!" He also pointed out that Freedom(tm) meant that the Afghan people were once again free to be the #1 source of opium world-wide. "Free enterprise is good," the President declared. An alarmed Karl Rove then whispered into Bush's ear, at which point the President wiped some white powder off his nose then held his hand behind his back and added, "Drugs are bad, of course."
In other news, George Orwell's grave is now being used to drive a 30 megawatt generator, thanks to new technology which allowed gluing magnets onto the coffin then surrounding the coffin with generator windings in order to harness the power of George rolling over in his grave. Said Sir John Hastypudding, the head of the project, "with all the Newspeak coming out of London and Washington D.C. nowdays, we figure we can get output up to 40 megawatts within a few fortnights."
George Orwell's estate was unavailable for comment.
- Badtux the Reporter Penguin
Freedom(tm): A magic elixir wherein the wealth of nations is looted for the benefit of a Party elite. See, also: Brezhnev, Leonid, and Communist Party, History Of.
(*) Good: Whatever increases the wealth of the Party elite. Typically involves bending over while the Party elite drives large sexual organs up one's bunghole."
No comments:
Post a Comment
Ground rules: Comments that consist solely of insults, fact-free talking points, are off-topic, or simply spam the same argument over and over will be deleted. The penguin is the only one allowed to be an ass here. All viewpoints, however, are welcomed, even if I disagree vehemently with you.
WARNING: You are entitled to create your own arguments, but you are NOT entitled to create your own facts. If you spew scientific denialism, or insist that the sky is purple, or otherwise insist that your made-up universe of pink unicorns and cotton candy trees is "real", well -- expect the banhammer.
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.