The U.S. Senate has voted to recommend splitting up Iraq into three nations. No word yet on whether the three nations will be called "Regular", "Premium", and "Diesel".
This recommendation builds upon success after success insofar as American plans for Iraq go. Why, with such a spectacular record of success at brilliantly imposing Western thoughts upon Arab minds, there's nothing that could go wrong with this plan. Except, well, that 96% of Sunnis and 56% of Shiites in Iraq want a single unified country. But hey, they're just Iraqis. We know better, as is exemplified by the fact that Iraq is such a peaceful, democratic nation today where our troops are showered with rose petals wherever they go and our politicians can walk the streets of Baghdad freely with no armed escorts with no fear except maybe suffocating under the showers of rose petals.
No word, yet, on whether the Senate will now take up the issue of dividing Canada (where tensions between French-speaking Quebec and the English-speaking remainder of the country continue to cause frictions) or Belgium (where the French-speaking Walloons and the Dutch-speaking Flemish have thus far been unable to form a government to rule the nation). As for the notion that these countries should decide for themselves whether to split up, rather than have it imposed at gunpoint by a foreign power... heresy! Traitor! Why do you believe that people who, like, actually live there know more about their own nation than Americans? Why do you demean the sacrifices of brave Americans everywhere? Why do you hate America? U S A! U S A! U S A! Fuck yeah!
-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin