Well, folks, Tuxology has not taken off the way I'd hoped. Let's face it, most folks just aren't interested in a religion where the afterlife consists of sitting on an iceberg eating raw herring. I mean, that sounds like a great afterlife to me, but I'm a penguin. And the Great Penguin, as a deity, doesn't kick a whole lot of butt. Hell, He doesn't kick anything at all, He mostly sleeps and eats herring, eats herring and sleeps. His pleasing rotundity just doesn't seem to interest most folks.
But never fear, I have a sure-fired bet for a new religion. As I pointed out in a prior post, the most successful religions around are basically glorified cargo cults. They're based all on promising people riches in the afterlife -- i.e., Heaven. The only difference between being a member of the Assemblies of God and a member of a South Pacific cargo cult is that the South Pacific islanders have actually seen the riches that their God provides, while the members of the Assemblies of God gullibly simply believe ("faith") that there's riches waiting for them once they kick this mortal coil.
Given that virtually all modern religion is a cargo cult based not upon the desire to formulate a moral framework for living but, rather, getting rewards from the Gods, a religion which is blatant and outright about it and can actually offer you the rewards while you're still alive on this Earth surely will prosper. I mean, c'mon. When you've croaked, checked out, breathed the last, expired, or otherwise kicked this mortal coil, what happens may be a matter of argument (thus far nobody has come back to tell us, after all), but a beer in hand now... why, everybody knows what that tastes like. Thus the Church of the Holy Brewery. Other religions promise heaven after you kick the bucket. But the Church of the Holy Brewery promises heaven on Earth. Or at least a good brew, which is more than any other religion promises. And all for a meagre $5 donation to the barmaid or barman at your local microbrewery -- what a deal!
--Pope Badtux the Brewerist Penguin