I thought it might be helpful to have a guide to the Republican dwarf-tossing contest oops "primary" contest with the main contestants err candidates. So here we go...
#1: Creepy Dwarf. Creepy Dwarf is best known for his creepy fudge packing exploits. Also for putting his dog on top of his car while on a long vacation trip and exporting several hundred thousand jobs to India and China, which endears him greatly to voters in India and China. Hobby: Whining about people who point out he's running against his very own Obamneycare health care plan.
#2: Frothy Dwarf. Of the various candidates in this dwarf-tossing contest, spends the most time proclaiming how much he loves God and thus is most likely to rape your boy-child if left alone with him in an empty room. Hobbies: Fantasizing about man-on-dog sex, and making children cry.
#3: Goldy Dwarf. Goldy Dwarf is kinda old and stiff and does a lot of ranting at kids about how the only real money is gold coins, which totally baffles them because if you try spending gold coins at a supermarket the clerks just look at you as if you're deranged. The kids like him though 'cause he's, like, totally down with smoking pot. Hobby: Running for President.
#4: Grumpy Dwarf. He's grumpy. He's vindictive. He's ugly. He's best known for shutting down the government because the President made him ride in the back of the bus, and divorcing one of his many wives for the character flaw of having cancer. And for his current wife, Caligula the Impaler, a cyborg kill-bot from the Andromeda galaxy, best known for her helmet of gold disguised as "hair". Hobby: Putting coal in children's Christmas stockings.
#5: Dopey Dwarf. He's not the sharpest tool in the tool shed. Best known for wearing Heath Ledger's jacket while ranting about the evils of Teh Ghey, and having totally MAH-velous hair. And oh, he's not gay. Really. Not at all. No way, no how. Rumors about the size of his closet are just totally wrong, yessiree. Hobby: Looking at self in mirror.
#6: Crazy Dwarf. Along with Frothy Dwarf, spends much of her time talking about voices in her head that told her to run for office, and has the crazy eyes to prove it. Like Dopey Dwarf, spends much time ranting about the evils of Teh Ghey. Married to a man by the name of Marcus, who minces and prances and wiggles his hips when he walks and who is totally not gay. Really. Hobby: Holding conversations with the voices in her head.
#7: Oily Dwarf. His family's oil company has bankrolled his campaign. Also wears magic underwear like Creepy Dwarf and is former leader of Utah, a theocratic nation somewhere in the Middle East between Iran and Iraq that like Iran is ruled by an unelected religious elite that uses elected officials as figureheads to disguise their power. Hobby: Politics.
#8: Flaky Dwarf. Failed one-term governor of a small corrupt banana republic somewhere in South America, where he lost his re-election primary campaign to a dude who capers around in the woods wearing a white bedsheet. Biggest highlight of his gubernatorial career: receiving foreign dignitaries in the governor's mansion while wearing bathrobe and fuzzy slippers. Hobby: Making passionate speeches to an audience of three in supporters' living room.
And finally, gone but not forgotten:
Doughy Dwarf. Best known for taking a mediocre pizza company, and making it into a mediocre pizza company. Hobby: Feeling up women.
These, apparently, are the best men that a major political party can find to run for office here in the USA. Or as Jazzbumpa is so fond(?) of saying: WASF.
-- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Excellent summary of the dwarves.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't matter, nothing is going to get fixed.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget Frothy Dwarf;s hobby of carrying around dead fetuses in jars. Although I suppose that's included under "making children cry" when he brought he jar home to introduce the contents to his children. The ones that were still alive, I mean.
ReplyDeleteYou should read this snarkdonic analysis of the Cornpigstate caucuses. If for nothing else, how it describes the Mitt Rombot supporters. Although it's equally nasty to everyone. Taibbi-level invective.
ReplyDeleteI heard Stephanie Miller call him Frothy. Wow.
ReplyDeleteYeah. WASF!
JzB
Thanks, Bukko. Yes, The Stranger is always a good read :).
ReplyDeleteJzB, Santorum's Google problem is just too juicy. I mentioned it at a lunch gathering the other day and nobody had heard of it, so one of the people at the table whipped out his iPhone and promptly typed 'santorum' into the Google search box. I warned him, 'Do *not* click on that first link! It's really nasty and not the kinda thing that goes with lunch!' The person beside him glanced at the phone and broke out laughing. Yeah, the guy's got a Google problem, people who have never heard of him Google him and then he's a joke to them forever after. Teh Ghey have gotten their revenge :ROFL:. (The site in question was created by a gay advice columnist by the name of Dan Savage who is an editor of The Stranger, in case you're wondering).
- Badtux the Snarking Penguin