Thursday, November 12, 2009

Being moderate

Penguin: Welcome to Penguin News Network. Here at PNN we present only the finest of news, read by the most adorable of penguins. Today, our guest is Joe Mentum, Senator from SmallState, here to explain what being moderate is all about. Hi, Joe!

Joe: Hi, Penguin!

Penguin: Okay, Joe. You're well known for being an independent moderate. What does being moderate mean?

Joe: Well, Penguin, being moderate means that when there's a disagreement, you arrive at compromise solutions that nobody really likes.

Penguin: Like deciding to serve spinach souffle if your kids can't agree whether they want tuna casserole or beans and franks for dinner?

Joe: Exactly! See, that's a moderate solution, because both kids end up unhappy!

Penguin: Okay, Joe, as we all know, health care is a hot issue today. Democrats really want to create a right to health care so that no American has to die for lack of health care. Republicans have countered with their own health care plan where, if patients can't afford health care, they report to Soylent Green processing centers for conversion into cat food. What is your compromise plan between these two?

Joe: Well, the Democrat's plan makes taxpayers happy, but makes my buddies at Hartford Insurance unhappy. Someone's happy, so it's not a moderate solution! So my plan is that half of Americans get a right to health care, and the other half report to Soylent Green processing centers for conversion to cat food if they get sick. My buddies at Hartford Insurance are unhappy then because they're forced to pay for the healthcare of the half of Americans who have a right to health care rather than being able to give multi-billion dollar bonuses to their executive staff, the half of Americans who must report to Soylent Green processing centers are unhappy because they would rather have health care than a painless segue into cat fodder, so it's a moderate solution!

Penguin: Wow, Joe, you're right! It's as if Eichmann had arrived at a moderate solution to his Jew problem -- only send HALF of them to the gas chambers! Adolph Hitler would have been unhappy because half the Jews would still be alive, the Jews would be unhappy because half of them would get gassed, so clearly that's a moderate solution that should have been embraced rather than the extremist Final Solution that Eichmann eventually arrived at!

Joe: That's not funny. I'm Jewish, you know.

Penguin: But you're a moderate. So surely you would embrace that solution, since it made everybody unhappy and thus is a moderate solution to the problem, right?

Joe: This interview is over. [Rips microphone off, stomps off the set.]

Penguin: And that's it for this episode of Press the Herring. I've learned a lot about what it means to be a moderate, and I hope you have too. Remember, violation of only some of the population's fundamental human rights isn't an atrocity -- it's a moderate solution!. So until next time, this is Badtux the Snarky Penguin signing off...

[Darth Vader voice] This... is PNN.

[Woman's voice] Bothered by unsettling herring stains on your tuxedo? Try new all-temperature Reehc! Its soothing enzyme action even works in the coldest of cold water...


  1. Had an attorney tell me once that a settlement was only good when both sides felt like they got equally screwed.
    If both sides thought it was a good deal they didn't need attorneys.
    If one side was ecstatic and the other pissed then it should have gone to court.
    So now we have laws being made that way. One side is ecstatic and the other is pissed. And screwed. Problem is it's not the 2 political sides happy or screwed. It's the owners of the country that are getting screwed. It's us. We're on the losing side of all the political settlements.

  2. "(Darth Vader voice) PNN"

    I don't know why but that made me laugh, TY Mr. Penguin.

    What curdles my milk is the fact that the GOP doesn't bother with any moderation whatsoever when they are holding all the cards.

    So fuck them. I know, that is not very mature or even realistic, but why does only one side have to bend? It really just seems to boil down to the fact that they can get their party to march in lock-step, while the Dems just meander about aimlessly.

  3. My point, Ruckus, is that compromise with pure evil is still evil. Yes, if Eichmann had chosen to gas only *half* the Jews both Hitler and the Jews would have felt like they got equally screwed, but half-evil is no better than all-evil in the end. Either you have a right to life, or you don't. You can't have half a right.

    - Badtux the "Rights aren't fungible" Penguin

  4. BT
    That was my point as well. Just not as well stated. Because there is no actual thought for the people, in politics, we are just getting screwed. And losing of those rights.

  5. Anonymous said:
    "What curdles my milk is the fact that the GOP doesn't bother with any moderation whatsoever when they are holding all the cards."
    They do it when they hold none of the cards to, like now.
    Except of course that 'Republican' and 'Democrat' mean less then "New Blue Raspberry in the Bright Orange Box!" vs "Ebb in the dark dead grey brown bottle".
    The divide is corporatists and the rest of us.

  6. just like the people who are anti-choice and pro death penalty

    i guess when you are a republican holding oxymoronic (or just moronic) thoughts are ok


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