Bubba goes to a china shop

Howdy, Bubba the Suthern Penguin here, with more tales from the big city of Cooterville, Tennessee. Now, my ole' cat-killin' buddy Bill Frist showed up at my doorstep the other day, and I was purty durn near overjoyed. Y'see, Darlene has been harpin' on me to get her some more money so she can buy more purty things and shoes and stuff for Christmas, and she was bein' right scarce under the bed sheets, if ya get my gist. Billy Boy is usually always good fer some dough, though I must admit findin' cats fer him ain't been easy the last couple of years, them cats is just plain gettin' scarce 'round these here parts and I done been run off from a couple of barns 'cause folks ain't wantin' their barnyard cats taken off fer Billy ta cut open. But that's just let me raise my price, y'know?

So anyhow, ole' cat killer Bill shows up at my doorstep, but huh... he ain't got that crazed look ta him anymore! And he ain't carryin' one of them thare doctor knife thingies and waving it around and hollerin' "cats! I need cats!" either. Hmm. So I open the door anyhows, and sez, "how many cats ya need, Bill?"

Then he says the worst words I ever done heard: "Cats? I don't need no cats, cause I done retard!" He goes on ta say that the stress was just a gettin' to him, bein caught out in that beltway thing, and even the magical ability to diagnose illnesses from photos that he'd inheretid from his witch grandma had disappeared, why, he'd diagnosed some poor brain-dead girl as havin' a hangnail even! So he was retard, and was gonna just hang 'round the Frist mansion fer a while and let himself get back on an evil keel and stuff, and oh, wanna go out fer some beers?

Well, there goes my plans ta get Darlene some more money fer Christmas. Now, frankly, my friends, Billy is a bit creepy even when he's feelin' jolly, so I figgered out how ta git rid of him then set down fer some serious thinkin'. Man, that thare "thinkin'" stuff is hard work, folks! After a while my head hurt so durn much that even though it was my day off, I went down to the garage where I done been werkin' as the fetchit boy fer the past twenty years fer minimum wage, and asked some of them smarter fixer folks down thare what I should do.

Now Bob, he's like this big ole' ex-Marine dude who is the second-oldest mechanic there, sez "well, y'know, you're purty good at fixin little things like lightbulbs and such, why don't you go on down to Main Street with our spare ladder and ask folks if they need lightbulbs changed fer spare change?" Now that was a plan, so I grabbed the ladder and headed out to get Darlene her bling bling money (hey, see, I can use that cool talk too! I'm pretty hip, I'm not all square, dig?).

At the grocery store I walk in with my ladder and asks to see the manager, and when he comes out, asks if he needs any light bulbs changed. There was some commotion behind me, I turned around ta see what it was but there wasn't nothin' there 'cept a bunch of ice coolers all scattered all over the floor, man that was sloppy house keepin' on the part of this grocery store, don't ya think? So anyhow I turn back around and that thare manager is just plain passed out on the floor in front of me! Got a big red gash on his head that was oozin' blood, and I'm thinkin', man, he art to see a doctor 'bout that. I say "Sir? Sir? Are you okay, sir?" and folks are rushin' over to him and anyhow it was just too crowded and it was obvious he wasn't hirin' me anytime soon so I turned around and left. Funny, the front winder of the store broke just as I was turnin' round, go figger!

So next shop I walk to is a sandwich shop, and I walk in with my ladder and asks, "do ya needs some light bulbs changed?" and that thare brown feller behind the counter sez "no sa!" so I turn arounds and leave. There's a bit of a ruckus behind me as I'm goin' out the door, I can't turn around in the door 'cause I'm carryin' the ladder so I go on out and look back in the shop and, why, everything that had been on the counter had somehow managed to fall on the floor and that thare brown feller was standin' there wringin' his hands and talkin' some things in that funny furriner lingo of his that didn't sound so polite, so I head on out.

So anyhow, next shop down the street is one of them thare fancy dishes shops. The manager meets me at the front door, and I asks him, "do ya have any light bulbs that needs fixin'?" and he says "Yes indeed! I have two near the back corner, I'll give you two bucks to change them for me." Two bucks! Man, Darlene would be so proud! So I says "Well, if you throw in the light bulbs, that's a deal, sir!" and he sez "Very good, sir!" and hussles down the aisle to the back of the store to get the bulbs.

So I walk on in and start walkin' towards the corner he'd pointed out, and heared a crash behind me. I looked back and, uh-oh, I'd managed to clip a corner of one of the counters with the end of my ladder and sent some fancy servin' bowl right down on the ground! Now, that thare thing looked expensive, but luckily I never go anywheres without some of that thare Super Glue in my pocket. So I turned around and went and started puttin' that thare servin' bowl back together, until I had it all purty much lookin' okay, I mean, yeah, it was a little lopsided, but would anybody really notice? Then I turned back around ta go set up my ladder to fix the lights, and noticed that I'd managed to clip another counter and shove a whole display of china to tha ground and it was, like, just shattered all over the place!

So anyhow, out came my Super Glue again, and I started fixin' it up, and then the li'l feller came back from the behind with his bulbs and stared at me gluin' them dishes back together and turned real pale and sez, "Get out. Get out now! Go!".

Now I tole him, "I ain't one of them thare cut and run fellers, I broke it, so I'm gonna fix it!" and he turned red and tole me "You moron! You just broke some more of my dishes when you knelt down to do a poor job of fixing these!"

"Wha?" I said, and I turned around, and there was a lot of smashing and crashing and broken glass tinklin' to the ground, and the lil dude shouted "Idiot! You can't fix things while you're thrashing around with a ladder! Get out! Get out! Now! Or I call the police and you go to jail!"

Now, 'bout this time I'm thinkin' maybe jail ain't so bad an idear. I mean, Darlene is going to be pissed. But the li'l dude is headin' fer his counter, and y'know, 'round these parts that means only one thing and I ain't keen on pickin' birdshot out of my buns agin, so I do skedaddle 'bout the time he manages to clear his scattergun over the counter and hey, all he got was a li'l bit of my left elbow, okay?

Now, this here plan don't seem ta be workin' out fer me, so I go on back to the garage with my ladder and tell the boys down there what done happened, and by the time they finished laughin', they was all on the ground blue in the face. Finally ole' Buck gets up and takes the ladder from me and puts it away, and sez "boy, you done made our day," and he turns around and takes up a collection and gives me a few dollars and sez "Here, you take this on down to Darlene and tell her Merry Christmas from the boys down at the garage." So I do.

And that is the story of me and the ladder and the china shop, and I guess the moral of the story is, if your breakin' somethin', the best thing to do is just to skedaddle so you ain't breakin' stuff no more, and let the feller whose stuff you broke fix it 'cause he knows better how to fix his stuff. Well, and it'd be nice to pay him fer the stuff ya broke, and I'm kinda 'shamed that I didn't stick around ta do that, but Darlene did need her bling, y'know?

-- Bubba the Suthern Penguin